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Self-Imposition |
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But for tonight, I just want to make this short. I feel like I'm burning at both ends right now. I'm sick-and-tired of appointments, to-do lists, returning phone calls, errands, emails, waiting in line, and writing out bills. That's what my week's consisted of. I feel like I'm a victim of my own large to-do list that somehow all has to be done NOW. I'll be gone over the weekend for another (the last of three) wedding. There's much to do this week before I leave for another extended three-day weekend. For now, though, all really want to do is plop my ass on the couch and start exploring my new Star Wars DVDs that I purchased yesterday. I want to crank up my 5.1 system and really let 'er rip. There's been so much going on lately. I've noticed that I'm slowly not updating this thing as much as I used to. I no longer feel obligated to do a daily update, but it's irritating that lately, I feel as if I don' t have the time or energy to do so if I choose. Hopefully after this weekend, my weekends will clear up a bit. Sailing is over, opening up my Wednesday nights. Big Brother 5 ended last night, Six Feet Under ended the weekend before last, and there are only two more episodes of Nip/Tuck left for the season. That's been my TV watching for the summer. I'm glad my TV watching schedule is clearing up now too (until at least Halloween when The Simpsons and 24 start back up). Tonight, though, I'm also taping Lost as I write this, which has me quite intrigued for the moment. Hopefully the show is as good as the reviewers make it out to be. I just need a final burst of energy for this weekend, which I know will be an absolute blast once it gets here and I get there. But I have to get there first. One more day of work, just one more... Bear with me as I promise to get back to more regular updates. I need to write in this more. I miss it when I don't. Looking back on this first day of autumn, I realize just how busy my summer really was, how there was so much going on, and how much I'm looking forward to things calming down a bit. Happy first day of fall, and according to one calendar, Happy Hobbit Day as well!!! How does one celebrate Hobbit Day, anyway? I started with breakfast, then second breakfast, then elevensies, perhaps a pint of ale.... Wednesday's Playlist: 1. Josh Goban - John Groban 2. The Beatles - Let It Be...Naked |
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On Thursday, when he found out that his dad died, he told me before he left. I knew right away what had happened. I felt horrible. Helpless. It had been a weird work week to begin with, but this put it all into perspective. Since then, I've been feeling pretty low-key and sad for my friend. I can't even imagine what he's going through right now. I've put myself in his position a million times over the past few months with everything that's been going on with Dad these days. I can barely stand to think about it. Today, another co-worker and I drove to the funeral, over three and a half hours away in Black River Falls. With a lot of driving today, a lot of introspection was done. I'm so very glad that I went and was there for my friend. I know he appreciated the gesture. It's what I would have wanted had the shoe been on the other foot. Since I found out about this on Thursday, all of my thoughts, energies, and reflections, which always started out about my good friend, have been devoted to life, death, mortality, responsibility, dedication, and father/son relationships. There's so much going on right now with my family, I'm standing up in a wedding next weekend, and these thoughts for what my friend must be going through, that, mentally, I'm beat. My mind is fluttering about at a million miles an hour, trying to wrap itself around these huge concepts of life. But for tonight, for this post, I'm going to leave it at that. I need to think. I need to be quiet with myself. I need to ponder on some of the bigger issues that life has to offer, that don't seem capable of definition at the moment. As I said, it was an odd week to begin with, one that I hope to discuss more in depth in a later post. For now, though, that's all. The drawing in this post is dedicated to my good friend John. You're in my thoughts and prayers. |
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So today, the workout begins anew. That's all one can do when they fall off the wagon, is get back back on it, right? At the health club I'm a member, my cousin's husband always works out; he's extremely dedicated (in my mind, almost fanatical about it). I felt guilty facing him today, after all of these month. He's always the one I feel guilty facing, like some ashamed little boy facing his mommy. I suppose I have to project that guilt onto somebody; it certainly can't be me. But finally, today, the excuses stopped. This morning I packed my gym bag, and after a pretty stressful day, the workout felt great. Now, all I can do is try. For now, I'm trying to dedicate myself to getting in shape, shedding some pounds, and not let this 33 year old body look like I sit in front of a computer all day, even though I do. For now, all fast food must stop (that's my biggest vice). No more snacks in the cupboards. No more candy bars from the vending machines at work. I can do this. I've done it before. and with great results. But each time I start back over, it gets a little more challenging. Each time, my body resists it a little bit more. Like I said, all I can do is try. Wednesday's Playlist: 1. Clear Blue Betty - Never Been A Rebel 2. U2 - All That You Can't Leave Behind |
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1. There's been talk about a new U2 album for months now. I know the release date, late in November, and now today, I know the title of the album, How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb. I thought I was spazzing out yesterday about Star Wars...U2 is my favorite band of all time, possibly second to only the Beatles. I've loved everyone of their albums, and enjoyed every one of their career twists. This new album sounds like it's going to be a winner. Between the Star Wars DVDs coming out next week and the U2 album later this fall, two of my favorite things are seeing the light of day. I love it when media can make me so happy. 2. Check out the photography page of my website. I've added a new gallery with 50 photos in it. It took me a few weeks to complete. I can't believe how quickly all of these photos are coming to me, and how passionate I'm getting with photography again. When I went to Art Street in Green Bay with some friends a few weeks ago, I was looking for inspiration. I never thought it would add fuel the fire of my photography. Let me know what you think! 3. Tonight I stopped over at Mom and Dad's. Dad started going to a pain clinic today. In the past few months, we've slowly been taking him off of many of the meds he's on. Every time his dosages are decreased, he goes through some pretty intense symptoms of depression and withdrawal, just like a drug addict. The symptoms always come up about a day after the dosages are cut back. It's pretty scary. But, the good news is that he's starting a new treatment which involves infrared therapy on the feet. It's called Anodyne therapy. I'll post more in depth at a later date about all that's been going on with this and what it took for us to get these treatments (which none of Dad's doctors are behind). We have high hopes for this new therapy. We have to. On the positive side, by slowly pulling him off his meds, he's slowly sprucing up, coming out of his zombie-like haze. Tonight, he seemed quite chatty and in a good mood. It was one of the first times I've left there feeling okay, feeling like we're gonna do this, one day at a time. We are far from out of the woods with this. But tonight, I'm finding some solace in one good night. Day by day. 4. Does anybody out there watch Nip/Tuck? That's my guilty pleasure this summer. Each week, it gets scummier and scummier. After a few weeks ago, when the guy had sex with a a life-sized, life-like doll, and then the following week had a three-way with his friend, I didn't think it could get any worse. Well, tonight broke all social taboos. It involved a very close relationship between a mother and her son. I can't believe that show! I can't believe it!!! I feel so fuckin' dirty! But yet, I'm so there next week. That's all for tonight. Tuesday's Playlist: 1. Sarah McLachlan - Afterglow 2. Cyndi Lauper - At Last 3. Cyndi Lauper - Twelve Deadly Cyns...And Then Some |
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When Episode I came out the summer of '99, I waited in line over night for tickets. When I got my cat, I named him Anakin. The day before my 30th birthday, I got a Darth Vader tattoo (I told the tattoo guy that was going to be the last stupid thing I did in my 20s. Calling the profession of a guy with a needle was actually the last stupid thing I did in my 20s). I've spent hundreds (if not thousands) of dollars on Star Wars related toys and merchandise. I have all of the video games. All of the soundtracks. I already have two versions of the trilogy on VHS. I got it bad. The dork side is strong in this one. And with the release of these DVDs next week, which I've been looking forward to all year, so begins the marketing onslaught for Episode III. Back in December, when the final Lord of the Rings came out, I didn't think I could be more obsessed with a movie. I even questioned my allegiance to the Star Wars franchise, as if that's actually an issue! Just wait until the countdown for this next movie really begins. Wait until I see the first teaser trailer, the new action figures come out, or the soundtrack is released. I was in full spaz mode today, just for the re-issue of the original series on DVD. It's not even anything new. And Revenge of the Sith isn't even until May of 2005. That's nine months away! I can't imagine how I'll be then!! :) I'm such a dork. Monday's Playlist: 1. Josh Groban - Josh Groban 2. Celine Dion - A New Day...Live In Las Vegas 3. John Williams - Star Wars Episode VI: Return Of The Jedi 4. John Williams - Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones 5. BoDeans - Go Slow Down |
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I'm sure we can all remember exactly where we were when that first plane came crashing into the first tower. Then another plane into another tower. Then it collapsed. Then Pennsylvania. Then the Pentagon. I remember being so scared, wondering when it was going to stop. It felt like a TV show or a movie. I kept envisioning that scene from Independence Day, when the aliens blew up the White House. But it wasn't a movie. How could any of it be real? I wanted to do nothing but get home that day after work. I remember having to quickly stop at Sam's Club to pick up some cat food and the store being eerily empty and quiet. I remember no music on the radio stations. I remember life feeling like it would never be the same. I really had no idea just how bad things were until I got home and started watching the footage on TV. Images of people jumping from the towers still haunt my dreams. I don't ever remember a night darker than that of September 11, 2001. I went for a run, like I usually do after supper, just to get away from the footage for awhile. I needed to clear my head. But as I ran my usual course, which is probably a little too dark and unsafe anyway, I stopped cold in my tracks. I couldn't run down the poorly lit street like I'd been doing all summer. I never felt so unsafe. It was the first time in my life that the paralyzing fear of nightmares actually struck me in reality. I remember getting back home, feeling defeated, sad, and alone. I remember being tired of the CBS footage, tired of Fox's feed, tired of CNN. I turned on BBC America for a different perspective on the day. But it made no difference. No matter what station I was on, images of the towers falling, people jumping from buildings, and what felt like Armageddon flooded the channels. I turned the TV off. I had to escape. I remember listening to Fragile by Sting and Bridge Over Troubled Waters by Simon and Garfunkel. I remember putting in a John Lennon greatest hits CD and falling asleep, crying, to Imagine, Love, Give Peace A Chance, and Happy X-Mas (War Is Over). I remember waking up the next day, wondering if if was all a horrible nightmare. I'll never forget that day. I don't think there's a single American out there who will. And now, three years later, the repercussions of that horrible day are still here. Whether you agree with the war in Iraq, whether you think it was done for the right reasons, if you think there's a legitimate connection to Afghanistan, or if was proposed to the people of America as a lie, it was the catalyst for this war. There's no denying that. Without 9-11, we wouldn't be over there right now. That was the excuse. That was the reason. 9-11 made terrorism the excuse. I'm very sad with the state of world today. I'm sad that more innocent lives are being lost because of this war. I'm sad that America is becoming more isolated from the world around it and losing allies. I'm sad that patriotism has become confused with racism and hatred. I'm tired of us being a nation at conflict. I'm tired of the endless bickering, the endless debates. I'm sad that it's come to all this. And in this election year, where the country is literally divided in half, I'm afraid for the future of our country. I'm afraid that the Americans will make the wrong choice, if we really have any choice to make at all. But what is the correct choice? Who is the better of two evils? Is any politician really capable of dealing with a post 9-11 America? A post 9-11 world? None of will know that for some time, I'm afraid. By then I hope it's not too late. I have my opinions, I know who I'll be voting for; but that's not for me to present tonight. That's not what this post is about. Tonight, I say a prayer. A prayer for the souls of our departed brothers and sisters who perished in those attacks three years ago. I say a prayer for our soldiers who are fighting a war in a far off dessert, fighting for what they believe to be the good fight, their American duty. I say a prayer for America. I hope we can somehow heal and get out of this dangerous state of affairs that we're currently in. And perhaps, most importantly, I say a prayer tonight for our children, who will never know of a pre-9-11 world. They'll never know of the innocence that was lost that day when all of that blood was shed. Pray for innocence. God bless America. Saturday's Playlist: 1. Josh Groban - Josh Groban 2. Celine Dion - A New Day...Live In Las Vegas 3. America: A Tribute To Heroes |
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Thankfully, I always have my art class on Thursday nights to look forward to. I often go to class carrying about 800 pounds of baggage. Through my drawings and the camaraderie I feel with my art friends, I leave feeling trim and fit, ready to take on the world. Last night was no different.
Somehow, though, through these odd conditions, I pulled off two unique drawings. With both of them, I tried to exaggerate the style that I've been leaning towards lately, while also adding some color into the mix. I really tried to grasp onto something different, something more stylized and less representational. I feel like I succeeded, although I know I could have pushed it further. The quirky atmosphere of the room, in a lot of ways, was just what the doctored ordered for me. Last night was about not always taking things so seriously. It was about remembering that, even with my art, sometimes I just have to have to lighten up and have a little fun. There are many aspects of life that suck; that will always be the case. But there are also so many awesome things going on as well. Through drawings like I did last night, I realized that my problems will be here to stay, but that life has to go on, regardless. Sometimes the lighting will suck, models will move, pencils may break, classmates will be noisy, and fathers will get sick. Soaking up the darkness, getting wrapped up in all of what is wrong with the world right now, with my world right now, and then purging that into some highly detailed drawing may sometimes be a good way for me to escape. But other times, it only brings me deeper into my mind, deeper into my problems. It's a delicate balancing act. And as usual, last night, I fell out of my funk, for awhile at least. Some days are better than others. I somehow found the strength to face another new day and some much needed motivation. The only problem with classes like last night, is that they only widen an already huge horizon full of possibilities of what I want to do and where I want to take my art. Last night only added to an already full list. But that's not a bad thing. Not a bad thing at all. :) Friday's Playlist: 1. Josh Groban - Josh Groban 2. Rufus Wainwright - Want One |
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I'm not sure what my problem is right now. I don't necessarily feel depressed. In a lot of ways, I feel highly inspired, as if things are absolutely fantastic. But then in other ways, it's like I can barely keep it together. I mean, everything with Dad is just at status quo right now, just waiting for something to work, some type of treatment to eventually make a difference. He's more or less become a zombie, and right now there's nothing more we can do about it. Fuckin' doctors. Fuckin' drug companies. I find myself slowly pulling away as Dad is slowly pushing. I feel guilty for all of the good times I'm having while all of this shit is going on. I just feel blah. It's like I'm exhausted and I can't catch my breath. I'm not sure if it's the change in the seasons; I've noticed that it's almost pitch dark a little before 8:00 now. I've always fallen in a rut when fall first comes around. All I know is that I hate living this way, hate feeling like a useless, lazy piece of shit. I don't know; maybe I just had too much fun last weekend. I know I'm just in one of my moods; this too will pass. On the positive side, I feel like I'm finally getting back into my groove at work, finally recapturing my attention span. Today I got lots done and was able to listen to lots of music that's just been otherwise taking up space on my iPod. I forgot how good the Lenny Kravitz album, Are You Gonna Go My Way, really is. It's funny, how on certain days, you just have to take solace in the smallest things. That's all for now. Wednesday's Playlist: 1. Coldplay - Brothers And Sisters EP 2. Coldplay - Parachutes 3. Coldplay - A Rush Of Blood To The Head 4. Fiona Apple - Tidal 5. Fiona Apple - When The Pawn... 6. Lenny Kravitz - Are You Gonna Go My Way 7. Cyndi Lauper - At Last |
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Saturday turned into kind of a free day. I hung out with Splash and Dirk all day, just screwing around and having fun. After the wedding rehearsal, the rehearsal dinner was at a local bowling alley. We had beer and pizza and bowled a few games. Dirk gave all the groomsmen bowling shirts as gifts. It was the most casual rehearsal dinner I've ever been to, but extremely laid back and an awesome time. The entire wedding had a great mellow vibe to it, which was the total reflection of the bride and groom. After bowling, Splash, Dirk, his friend Casey, and I closed down a local drinking establishment. Whenever I go out with those guys, there's always some type of crazy shit going on that never seems suitable for these pages. Somehow or another, I ended up crashing on Splash's couch at about 5:00 AM, again, wondering where the day had gone. Saturday night was a great time. Gosh, did I laugh my ass off.
Another highlight of the night for me had to do with the song Roses by Outkast, and some specialized choreography by Splash, Casey, and me. I think I'll leave that one alone. Some things are better left unexplained. :) One of my lasting thoughts about the weekend, is that although this was Dirk and Julie's wedding, I feel like I spent the entire weekend with my friend Splash. His apartment turned into the meeting place for a few of the groomsmen, and it's where Dirk kind of hung out as all of the women were at his place. But it was cool having a friend to hang out with all weekend, kind of do our own things really, but always end up checking in with each other. This weekend, I really felt a sense of brotherhood with my good friend Splash. That's pretty cool. I'm going to end it there. My brain is kind of fried from a full weekend of partying, probably a little too much. With only one more wedding to go in a few weeks, I feel a lot more relaxed already. That's all for now. Happy Labor Day! |
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Wednesday night was my last night of sailing for the season. Jamie and I missed a handful of races this series, but it was still awesome being out on the water. Wednesday night, the lake was quite calm, so I brought my camera along. The sunset was simply amazing. Every picture I shot kept getting more beautiful. The sky had a certain majesty to it that night. I will post those photos soon on the photography section of this site. In the past year, I've created two photo galleries. In the past month, I've developed a third. This photo thing is taking me to new places. The new gallery has 50 photos in it, which takes some time to process, write descriptions, link, and do other administrative web master tasks that are involved. The files are being worked on and should see the light of day within the week. I can't wait to get a faster computer. Thursday night was art class. Our model was Todd, again, who I'm getting tired of drawing. Whenever it's time to draw him, I kind of psyche myself out and have a hard time capturing his essence. This has happened to me many times with him. Now it's one of those things that I let get to me when I start drawing. It was happening to me again on Thursday, when I realized I had to get over it. Had to get over myself. I took a break, rebooted mentally, and decided to harness the sketchy, scribbly, quite linear style I did with Roxie a few weeks ago. I decided to treat this as if I was drawing a figure in a comic book. The style is more forgiving than when I attempt complete realism, but I think the essence of the model is captured just the same, if not better. I'm realizing that I really have to harness and accept my comic book style of drawing, and let it take me to new places. It allows me a certain freedom when I draw, a certain boldness and expression that I don't have when I'm trying complete realism. After class, I had an interesting discussion with my friend Mark, once again over a few margaritas, regarding my style and how, where my art is concerned, I've been quite conservative and always play it safe. Some of my art friends are getting together for a campfire to burn all of their bad art. In my mind, I have nothing I want to burn. I find something, some story, some technique, some challenge, something, worthy of saving everything I do. But in Mark's eyes, that's just me playing it safe. If I've created nothing that I hate, or have made no mistakes that I just want to throw away and burn to never see again, then I'm never taking chances. I'm never pushing myself outside of my safety zone. With everything he said, it all rang true. This may sound egotistical, but I know I haven't seen my complete potential yet. I know I can be better than what I am, which scares me, because I think I'm pretty damn good. I don't want to be stuck, playing it safe, when I have so much more to give. I am quite proud of the drawing I did on Thursday night. For me, it was about pushing things, slightly, anyway. The class was such an eye-opener for me, really making me question where I want to take things next. It's an awesome thing, when endless possibility stares you in the face. Yesterday, I decided to take the day off. With being gone so much lately, things just seem to be piling up around here. I spent a good portion of my day at the laundromat, finally catching up on the pile that's been forming in my closet. I worked on the photos for this site, picked up my tuxedo for Dirk's wedding, and visited with my parents. I got home around 9:00, wondering where my day off went. It felt good to stay in on a Friday night, spend some time with my family, and decompress a little bit. Today I'll be helping Dirk and Splash with a music-related speech for the wedding, the rehearsal and dinner will follow tonight, and the actual ceremony and reception are tomorrow. As with all weddings, eventually the momentum of the event kicks into high gear. I have to ride the wave of the event whether I like it or not. Now that it's here, I'm really looking forward to it. The group of friends that will be at this wedding are a blast. I know we're really going to party down; I wonder how much crazy shit will happen! When I saw the group of guys that were at the bachelor party a couple weeks ago, it makes me feel good that I'm one of the people that Dirk's chosen to have in his wedding. And with that, I need to fly and let the day take me to wherever it has planned. This week has already taken me in interesting directions. We'll see where this wedding takes me. P.S. Be sure to check the August archives. Each month, these pages take on a life of their own. August was the month of a huge practical joke and two awesome bachelor parties. It's as if my summer is coming to a head. Time sure flies. When one door opens... |
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If you any questions, comments, or requests, you can contact me at: |
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The
Final Stretch
Catch
Back
On The Wagon
Dumping Grounds
The Dork Side
A Prayer For Innocence
Pencils May Break
There
was a weird edginess to the class last night, one that I think
I desperately needed. We had two different models pose for us.
The drawing in orange was about a 45-minute pose before the other
one took over for the rest of class. With the change in models,
it felt as if people were getting restless. I think we all settled
into one mind set for the model in the orange drawing, and then
had a rough time readjusting to the model in the purple one.
People seemed chattier as well. It was much more social night
than it's been in the past.
Fall
Funk
Through
The Haze
The
actual wedding itself yesterday was a good time as well. As I
get older, standing up in weddings has become old hat to me.
There's no reason for me to be nervous, as I realize it's completely
about the bride and groom. With that in mind, I was really able
to just go with the flow and enjoy the day. It's cool for me,
being in the wedding party, seeing all of these people that I've
met through the years somehow all come together. Just like with
Nate and Kim's wedding earlier this summer, the entire wedding
feels like a blur to me now, less the 24 hours later. There were
so many people I wanted to talk to more that I didn't. There
were so many more songs that I would have like to busted a move
to as well. But the momentum of the wedding is something to just
run with and accept it as it comes. I spent much time talking
to a few new friends, Jodi, who I met at the Prince concert earlier
this summer, and Chris, a.k.a The Pub Crawler. As usual, I found
myself having some wonderfully deep conversations about politics,
writing, and art, all through the haze of dance floor sweat,
champagne, red wine, and Coors Light. The night was a great time
that went buy way too fast.
One
of the things that I usually despise about weddings, being to
so many and single for them all, is the garter toss. It always
feels so degrading. I get pulled out on the dance floor, amongst
a mob of 8 year olds and rowdy college guys. I'm not even sure
how I ended up out there this time. As fate would have it, though,
without much effort, I managed to catch the garter belt. I felt
good, looked good, and enjoyed the experience. My friend Buffy
caught the bouquet. It was nice sharing a dance with such a pretty
(okay, smokin' hot) lady. That was just one of many highlights
of the night. Sorry about unintentionally cock-blocking you like
that, Splash.
Riding
The Wave