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Dig
If You Will, A Picture Many days at work, I take pictures all day long. But those are different to me. They're highly technical, usually close-ups of some type of car part. Far from artistic or meaningful. The great thing about it, though, is that all the photos I shoot at my job let me hone my eyes and develop my photographic muscle. I use a Richo KR-Super II, a plain old 35 mm. The camera's over 10 years old; I don't even know if the brand is around anymore. My uncle has the same brand of camera; his is over 20 years old, and still takes awesome pictures. My camera is completely manual: no auto-focus, no auto-aperture settings. Each picture I take, I actually set the f-stop and aperture setting. In these days of digital technology, I guess that's pretty rare. The only little bell or whistle that it has is a light meter in the view finder to let me know if I'm getting close to the right setting. I had to buy this camera for a photography class I took in college. I remember actually taking out a small loan so I could buy the camera, otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to take the class. It's probably the best $300 bucks I've ever spent. This summer, I was considering buying a new camera, one with some automatic features, a digital display perhaps, at least auto-focus. When it came down to laying down the money, though, I just couldn't do it. The thought of replacing my tried and true camera was almost like replacing my arm with a prostectic one, even though I don't need it. My camera's been to a lot of places with me, a lot of weddings, a lot of road trips, experienced many holidays, some major life events, and has looked at a lot of trees and sunsets. Instead, I decided to tuck that money away and hopefully buy a new computer sometime next spring. I'd like to get a better digital camera to get some of those more immediate shots that I don't have to wait for Walmart to develop, but that will have to come after the new computer. My Richo is just fine for now. It's funny seeing my photographic eye evolve. I've migrated toward very organic things: trees, leaves, brush, flowers, etc. I live in the country, so that's what I shoot. As I'm shooting more and more these days, I realize that I've been studying the changes of the seasons, how the color palette of the earth goes from vibrant greens and yellows to burnt browns and tans and then to almost the complete lack of color. Mother Nature creates such wonderful colors and patterns; it's exciting for explore and capture some of that beauty. Since I've gotten back into my photography, I've felt a deep connection with nature. It's a great thing. I have to thank my friend Vicki, who really inspired me with her own photography. She got me thinking about photography as an art form again. It's a wonderful thing to recapture. That's all for now, nothing too deep or major, just some thoughts on my photography. |
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We ended up going downtown, first to a martini bar for a few drinks, and then to an Irish pub for a few more. The bar scene in Green Bay has much to be desired. For as classy as they tried to make the martini bar, the TVs showing a marathon of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge didn't really make me feel like I was in a bigger city. The drinks were stiff though, that's for sure, and the beautiful people were out in full force. The Irish pub, bearing more resemblance to a sports bar than anything I ever saw in Ireland, was cozy enough I guess, but far from Irish other than the Guinness they had on tap. (In honor of woodsprite's birthday, I had an extra pint for her!) Later in the night, Dirk's fiancee, Julie, met us out for a nightcap. It was one of those nice relaxing nights out, with good drinks, good music, and fun conversation with good friends. What I find so interesting about last night, though, is that although I've known Dirk just shy of 4 years, the first couple of years that I knew him, I couldn't stand the guy. I hated how he ripped on my red hair; he was crass, and at times I thought, just a plain asshole. But time and time again, over the past year or so, Dirk has called me to do something on those nights few and far between where I don't have plans. He's become a very loyal friend. So what has changed? Obviously, everybody has different personalities. I'm sure there were many things about my own personality that Dirk didn't like when we first met. In a lot of ways, I wonder why we are friends. We're different in so many ways. But sometimes, when you're mutual friends with somebody, you can actually grow fond of somebody, and to hell with first, second, third, and fourth impressions. Sometimes it's the series of 30th, 40th, and maybe even 50th impressions that make us change our tune. Dirk still gives me shit about being a redhead, of course. But no more than I rip on him having a small penis (he's one of those friends where everybody has seen it!). It's kind of as if it just took us both time to figure each other out, figure out how to approach each other. I don't talk to him like I talk to our mutual friend, he's not like that. His approach to me is quite different than it used to be as well. All friendships take a certain amount of compromise, time, truth, and honesty. Despite some of Dirk's more crass moments, I've seen him as a truly loyal friend, and above all, that's what matters. I have many friends like Dirk, where my first impressions, my first approaches were way off. I think it especially happens with friends-of-friends, because we have that expectation of what they should be like based on the mutual friendship. I might add, that my when I first met my friend Jason, who I met Dirk through, I thought he was a mean punk. Boy, do things change! The nature of friendships and the impressions people give us can be such a fluid thing. I think through time and with age, it sometimes gets easier to understand and appreciate people, give them a chance beyond the first impression. As I was drinking my fourth or fifth Guinness last night, laughing at some stupid joke with my friend, I thought of how great it was that I gave that friendship a chance. Blogging to U2: Elevation 2001 Live From Boston. |
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Jerry's neighbor called 911 and they rushed him off to the hospital. Jerry works at a sister-store to one that my mom works at. One of his co-workers called mom to see what was going on. Mom, in turn, called one of Dad's sisters who spends a lot time with Jerry. Nobody had any idea what was going on. In the end, Jerry and been at the hospital alone all day, before my aunt and uncle found out what was going on. I guess he's got paralysis on one side, and fluid going into his lungs; it's pretty touch and go at the moment. I've only met Jerry once or twice. He seems like a very nice man. I don't think my dad has ever been close to him either. My aunt Barb has kind of taken him under her wing a bit, ever since his parents died. But watching all of these events unfold today was a pretty sad thing, especially after the events of the past week that happened with my brother-in-law. As I listened to my mom get the details to what happened, I felt overwhelmed by how lucky I was. My brother and Dad were in the other room, bitching about the Packer game, the fat turkey was in the oven, the house smelled wonderful. This was Thanksgiving with my family, and I felt so happy not to be alone. My sister and her family showed up shortly after the details about Jerry unfolded. I felt so bad, knowing that he went through all of this alone. I felt bad knowing that he's never had siblings to laugh with or nephews to sing songs with. I spent the day playing with the boys, really feeling blessed for the family I have around me. I started my Thanksgiving off feeling quite lucky for what I have, but the events around my dad's cousin Jerry punctuated everything that I was feeling to a much higher degree.
I feel lucky that tonight I was able to have a Thanksgiving feast with my family in a warm, loving home, knowing that so many others aren't as fortunate. I felt honored to have Derick lead us in Grace as we broke bread together as a family. I thought of my friend, who no longer has a brother to share Thanksgiving dinner with. I thought of all the other families out there who have sons or daughters, brothers or sisters fighting for our country off in Iraq or Afghanistan, and how heavy their hearts must be on this day. I feel lucky to be able to feel safe and sound because of these heroes and the sacrifices they must make. This is the first Thanksgiving in a long time, where I really understood what the holiday was about. It's as if life has slapped me in the face a bit, screamed at me to wake up. I haven't known life to be this heavy in a long time. But, then again, I really haven't allowed myself to ponder on these types of things until I started this journal back up earlier this year. It's as if my senses are heightened these days, to both love and pain. I'm thankful tonight for the friends I have; the deep, true friendships that get me through some of the dark times. I'm thankful for the new friends I've made because of this site, off somewhere in cyberspace, making my world feel like a much smaller, friendlier place. I'm thankful that I've had the ability to connect with my fellow man and share a piece of my soul. I feel grateful for some of the connections I've made this year, with friends, old and new, fellow artists, and even with parts of myself. I'm thankful for life and art, the sun and the moon, dogs and cats, fleece pajama bottoms, U2 and the Beatles, Star Wars and the Lord of the Rings, long, hot showers, Marvel and DC comics, Diet Coke and Vanilla Pepsi, my iMac and iPod, widescreen and 5.1, orange and green, purple and dark maroon, the million colors that I haven't yet seen, and of course, silver and gold. I'm thankful that my heart is singing after all these years. Happy Thanksgiving. - Gary Thursday's playlist (I've been ripping some of my Christmas music today to put on my iPod for the holidays, so that will explain today's list): 1. Patty Loveless - Bluegrass & White Snow 2. Martina McBride - White Christmas 3. Kenny G - Miracles: The Holiday Album 4. Vince Gill - Let There Be Peace On Earth 5. Vince Gill - Breathe Of Heaven 6. Sarah McLachan - Afterglow |
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"Who's to say
where the wind will take you Tuesday's playlist: 1. Whitney Houston - One Wish: The Holiday Album 2. Marc Cohn - The Rainy Season 3. Clay Aiken - Measure Of A Man 4. Celine Dion - These Are Special Times 5. Madonna - Remixed & Revisited |
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It's odd for me. Because I share so much on this site, things may happen that I see or watch, that indirectly affect me, that other's don't necessarily want posted on the world wide web. A lot of people don't have anything like this, much less posted on the web for all to read. For me, it's just a way to vent, to figure things out, to make sense of all the craziness around me, and hope to make a small difference in the world by sharing these experiences with people who want to listen. My compromise with myself on this site will be to keep the posts up a few more days, but then once archived, make them go away. That way, when the web starts indexing this site, that topic won't come up. I hope I'm not being selfish here. It's been eating away at me all night.
It seems that the models are bringing more positivity to the classes as well. Diane, our model Thursday night, was just glowing. She found out earlier in the day that her son was coming home from Iraq the following day. I've drawn her once before, and she's one of the happiest women I've drawn. It's refreshing to see somebody shine like that. Everybody in the class seemed to capture that warmth she put out there. Her positivity was an inspiration for us all to draw upon. With each class, I continue to one-up myself. I'm excited and proud for the progress I've made in less than a year. It makes me wonder where I'll be in another year. It makes me question my purpose for meeting those particular people in the first place. Being around such talented people makes me question why this group has been formed. It's not a coincidence that I just happened to call up the university one early April day, completely out of the blue, right around the same time a few of the others started coming to class. There's a much greater purpose, that's for sure, that we've all come together at this moment in time. Now I just have to figure it out. In other positive, although unrelated news, I had a physical evaluation at the gym tonight. My last one was in July of '02 when I joined. The statistics show, despite what I see when I look in the mirror, that my determination is paying off. Despite the pounds not really dropping on the scale, my body fat has dropped by 4%. My static heart rate has dropped by 2 beats per second, my heart rate after doing steps for 3 minutes has dropped by 22 beats per second, my flexibility has increased by about 5%, and my strength on the bench pressed has tripled. So even though I'm not seeing my body trim down quite like I'd hope, it's making my heart stronger, which I think really should be my primary concern. I have to remember, I ran 6 miles this summer. I'm sure that's more than most of the lard asses I work with can do. It's so awesome finding out that all of this work is paying off. The slow crawl may be more satisfying than dropping a fast 20 pounds. and then gaining it all back. Seeing these positive results has really invigorated me to push on. It's been getting increasingly difficult to find the motivation to work out. But now that I know my hard work is making things happen, it's all the more rewarding. Kind of like my drawing classes and this website. Some things takes time. Rome wasn't built in a day. ...Kind of a potpourri of thoughts tonight. I've been meaning to post these sketches over the weekend, but other things came up. Monday's playlist: 1. American Idol - The Great Holiday Classics 2. Clay Aiken - The Measure Of A Man 3. Whitney Houston - One Wish: The Holiday Album Yeah, Christmas music already. With today's first snowfall, I've only just begun. :) "I've got a big idea. I'm out of control." - Bono |
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One
Love
Yesterday, some close friends of mine announced that they're (finally) getting engaged. I'm really happy for them. Again, it's one of those monumental things that happen in life, one of the norms we can't deny.
The past few weeks, I've witness many of the big forces of life happen to some close people in my life. I've seen a friend deal with death and new life. I've seen my sister deal with parenthood and marriage, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. And I've seen the excitement of friends starting a new life together. Back in late August, I remember talking about the changing of the seasons, and how it's such a metaphor for the changes in life, but these past few weeks, I've actually seen so many of the different changes in life. I've seen the extremes of life and the extremes of love. That's the one thing all of these instances have in common: love. I guess that's why they seem so big, seem so heavy. Love can be a very stable force in life, but it can also create a whirlwind of emotions, give you that feeling of the bigger force just guiding your way. Life is a train.... So I end this tonight, knowing my thoughts are a bit fragmented. When I think of all of these big things, it's emotionally overwhelming. I have a hard time trying to harness how exactly I feel, much less try to convey it in words. I end this tonight, just happy that my brother-in-law is home and doing okay; I hope that everything is going to be all right. Life really has a funny way of keeping you on your toes. |
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Update
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Waiting
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Bow
Chicka Bow Bow Why am I doing this? I guess I'd respond, why stop now? I've been sharing my thoughts and fears, my soul and my art. I figure I'll give my viewers a differerent kind of look into my world, a much more literal look. I'm beginning to see my time spent on G-Man Ink as a performance art piece: the concept of sharing much of my life with the potential world at large. It's a mind boggling concept for me, which is exactly why I want to do it. My friends Todd and Brandon keep joking that once I get the cam hooked up, it's going to turn this site into an 18 or older porno site. "Is it getting hot in here?" I hate to break to you, but some things still are private. Brandon made me this quick little 30 second clip for if I decide to increase my viewership and go the porn route. It's all too funny! If this works, then you've downloaded a legal mp3. Share it with everybody you know, including those bitches at the RIAA. That's all for now. |
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Big
Brother Tammy has always been a worry-wart. This time around though, she had good reason for concern: he's been to the ER two other times in the past few years with chest pains, once due to stress and once because of a virus. Immediately, when my sister hears bad news like this, she starts thinking about the worst possible scenarios. The blasted "what if" game that we all play in our head. My sister's worrying, hearing her weak voice through tears, made me quite upset. I had errands to run after work, and a few times, felt like crying. I felt a sudden surge of sadness and grief for all of the horrible possibilities that this could have taken. For a split second, I envisioned my sister living as a young widow. I imagined my nephews never knowing their father. I imagined how quickly my sister's life, all of our lives, would have changed. I thought about the horrible pain and sadness she'd go through. I imagined everybody's loss. I thought the unthinkable thoughts, the ones we never want to think about. I felt an incredible sense of sadness, just for the stupid possible "what ifs." We'd made plans earlier today to get together for dinner. After her scare though, she told me that she was no longer in the mood, that she'd make horrible company. I could hear it in her voice, though, that she just wanted somebody to talk to; I couldn't not be there for her. By the time I brought dinner over, the tears dried up and her nerves settled down. She got to talk to Chad again and got the assurance that the doctor told him he'd be fine. In the end, once she got the complete story, she found out that he'd been partying a little too hard last night, got dehydrated, and somehow or another drank about 10 cups of coffee this morning. The hangover plus all that caffeine coupled with that fact that he's working and studying like crazy lately made him have the attack. By the time we had dinner tonight, although relieved, she was actually a little pissed off at how ragged he ran himself. Tammy's been married for 7 years or so, has a beautiful home, and two amazing children. I've always felt a bit stunted in that phase of my life; a lot of people assume that she's older than me because of these accomplishments. But tonight, in those weird, fleeting moments, I felt like the big brother again for the first time in a long time. Obviously, we both jumped the gun. But when your heart is exposed, it's impossible to think rationally. My only concern was my sister and her family; her only concern was her husband's life. I felt the unspoken love, the sense of my place in the family, and the bond that was formed all those years ago over building blocks and crayons. I felt my instincts as the big brother who would protect his baby sister at all costs kick in. I watched my nephews play together tonight, and wonder if they'll have a bond as strong. A very close friend of mine lost a family member a few weeks ago; that so easily could have been me right now if fate had some other plan. So tonight, I end this post, like I've ended so many, thankful for what I have and feeling like the luckiest son of a bitch alive. Friday's playlist: 1. Michael Jackson - Number Ones 2. The Beatles - Let It Be...Naked 3. Mr. Hanky's Christmas Classics 4. Go Simpsonic With The Simpsons 5. Sarah McLachlan - Afterglow 6. Johnny Cash - American III: Solitary Man 7. Coldplay Live 2003 |
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I can't imagine having such dedication for that type of thing. I catch myself thinking that it's all a bit self-indulgent, but then I think of how much time and dedication I've been putting toward this website. How self-indulgent this all really is... If I devoted as much time to my diet and exercise as I do to this website, I could be in that kind of shape. But there's only so much time in the day. This summer I slacked off a bit on my exercising. I opted to going for long jogs around town versus being cooped up in a health club running in circles. I know I wasn't nearly as dedicated as I would have been going to the gym each day, but there's something to be said about going where my feet take me and being part of a great sunset every once in awhile. Now I'm back on a workout schedule. I hit the gym about 4 or 5 times a week, for about an hour each time. But yet, if I wanted to get in the same kind of shape as that guy from yesterday, I'd have to become a gym-Nazi and take up residence at the place. Instead of creating my next drawing, capturing a sunset with my camera, or letting my mind wander on some topic that will end up on this site, I'd be more concerned with counting calories and the number of carbs a glass of water has instead. I'm not ripping on the guy I met yesterday. As a matter of fact, I was impressed as hell for his determination which gave him excellent results. To be honest, I'm quite jealous that I don't have what it takes to get in that kind of shape. But I guess there is only so much time for that type of dedication. A few of the married guys I work with always say they don't have the time to work out. I used to think that they were simply making excuses. But when I think about it, they're just making time for their families. That's where their dedication lies. It takes a lot of time to be that dedicated. Whatever your passion is, whether it's your family, working out, or an online journal, I think it's important to be true to yourself and what you want to do. In the grand scheme of things, what's important to you? What are your goals? Where does your dedication lie? Sure, I'd like to be in the kind of shape as that guy at the gym, but more importantly, I like kind of shape my artistic muscles are forming. I like the direction my artistic physique is going. It's a lot more fulfilling to me than being a few pounds lighter and a little more cut. But that's just me. Different strokes for different folks. Wednesday's playlist: 1. Tori Amos - Tales Of A Librarian 2. Michael Jackson - Number Ones 3. The Beatles - Let It Be...Naked 4. Sarah McLachlan - Afterglow |
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Media
Whore Today I also ordered a webcam, with the hopes to make the home of G-Man and G-man Ink accessible 24/7 via webcam. This web thing is really getting under my skin. Performance art baby. Living life via internet lines. That's all for now, I have some media to consume. ...It's like trying to drink from a fire hose. Tuesday's playlist: 1. Sarah McLachlan - Afterglow 2. Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers Soundtrack 3. The Beatles - Let It Be...Naked 4. Michael Jackson - Number Ones |
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I'm not talking about some magical cornfield; no, I'm talking about my little website, which you have somehow magically stumbled upon. I started this site in April of 2003. At the time, the web space was hosted through my cable company. I had 5 Mb of space to work with. By September, I used up that space and decided to join the big guns and actually purchase my very own domain name, as well as a boat load of web space through a web hosting company. What I really like about having my stuff hosted by this company is that I have the ability to check the statistics of this site. I get to see how many unique visitors show up each day and the total for the month. I can tell how often each visitor stops at my site. I can see what search words people use to get here and if they came via some external link. Watching the number of visitors double from September to October was a pretty cool thing. I'm not talking huge amounts of people yet, at least in terms of the web. I think September had about 150 and October had over 300. This month is looking to reach at least 400, which is pretty damn cool. Now granted, many of the visitors only check out one page of the site, and never come back; but that's the nature of the web, I suppose. What's really cool, though, is seeing the number of frequent visitors who keep coming back increase each day. I have to be honest, it both excites me and warms my heart. This weekend seemed like a huge milestone for me, as I noticed 4 or 5 people have linked me to their sites. Two of them are from the UK, which really boggles my mind. It certainly puts the world into the world wide web. What's peculiar to me (but in a good way), is that the sites that have me linked, seem so totally unrelated to what my content is, other than the fact that they are weblogs or journas as well. It makes me feel really good to know that they like the words and images seen here each day (well almost each day) enough to link me to their sites. It's a connection in the truest sense of the word, but on such a vague scale. So much of this seems so huge but in such abstract terms. Having an increasingly growing audience on a personal website which primarily consists of extremely personal thoughts and ideas is a compelling concept, to say the least. I'm not sure how else to describe it. I mean, I want that audience to grow. I want more and more people to see my art and read my thoughts. I kind of feel like in some small way, this is what I was meant to do...somehow touch the lives of others. But doing it with my art is what is filling my soul these days. I just never thought I'd have the chance to share my art with somebody on the other side of the planet. A few weeks ago at work, we launched a link to a prototype of a potential online training product to our e-Newsletter subscribers (which is at something like 7,000 people). Currently, we delivery our training via a field of instructors on CD-ROM presentations. It's been my job to come up with this demonstration of online training for remote locations that we've never been able to reach before. This product could also be a way to deliver some of our training that falls into a bit of a niche that our current scope doesn't reach. I've spent over the past year, working with a few talented coworkers, getting the prototype ready to go. With the eNewsletter launch, over 800 people have checked out the demo. It's been a crazy concept for me, to realize that that many people were going to see my creation, albeit a technical one for work, but my creation none-the-less. I poured over a year of my professional life into that creation. When I think about it though, I've been reaching people though my job ever since I started there almost 10 years ago. The traditional training that we currently provide reached over 100,000 student units in our industry last year. My thumb print is on everyone of those classes, as I was partially responsible for developing that product as well. It's an absolute mind-fuck when I think of things in terms of numbers like that. It makes me realize how many people I actually touch everyday without really thinking about it. It's the same for you, cherished reader, and all the little ripples that you make in the sea of life, in your small way. So as G-Man Ink hopefully continues to grow, it makes me question my purpose on this planet all the more. Suddenly, the world seems so amazingly small. How odd of a concept, that my thoughts and dreams, my art and inner voice is being transferred over this planet in a series of ones and zeros, probably shot into the universe via a beam of light, and directed back to a computer screen near you...all quicker than a ray of light. My friend Todd told me today to be careful for what I wish for, because I'll have to deal with what happens if it all comes true. Am I willing to share my soul with a viewership of 208? 800? 100,000? I guess we'll have to wait and see. They say 2/3 of all the blogs out there don't even last a month, so before I change the world, maybe I should wait and see if this site can last. Let me know if you're out there reading this. A simple email saying where you're reading this from would be way cool. If not, keep reading anyway (and thanks for helping my numbers!!). Monday's playlist: 1. Norah Jones - Come Away With Me 2. BoDeans - Blend 3. Johnny Cash - Various selections from The Essential Johnny Cash (discs 1, 2, and 3), American Recordings, Unchained, American III: Solitary Man, and American IV: The Man Comes Around 4. Dave Matthews Band - Before These Crowded Streets 5. Various selections from Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions soundtracks 6. U2 - Zoo Radio 7. Sarah McLachlan - Afterglow |
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Weekend
Update Friday and Saturday, I spent much time doing some file management type of work, updated the photography section with some pix from last weekend, did more drawing, and started some research all in the name of this site. I also had some quality web surfing and instant messaging that I haven't had time to do lately. Yesterday, Dad and I finished putting up his X-Mas light display. We worked for over 5 hours on a damp, foggy, drizzly day, but I have to say, it's pretty damn impressive. I'll be sure to post some pictures closer to the holidays. Last night, completely exhausted, I watched a Johnny Cash tribute on CMT, and then ordered A Mighty Wind off of Pay-Per-View, which I've been meaning to see for quite some time. Funny movie, great music. Today I spent time with the family and finally got some laundry under control. It was one of those lazy-but-not-so-lazy weekends. I got a lot of work done but also spent much well-needed "me" time screwing around and relaxing. I've needed to recharge like this for quite some time, and, boy, did it feel good. That's all for now. |
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When I got to class last night, it was the first time in the past few months that I didn't need to go to class to escape from some type of job-related stress. I went to class because I needed to draw. Plain and simple.
I only had one piece of paper left in my big tablet, so I had to use my small sketch book instead. The ebony pencil that I've been using the past few months, the one that allows me to get the darkest of darks, is now too small to use. Last night, I had to use a different pencil, a much lighter one than the one I've been getting comfortable with (I need to get to the art supply store in the worst way!). Working much smaller than I'm used to lately with a much lighter pencil created a noticeable change in my work. My approach was much more delicate than I've been with my drawing in a long time. I feel like I kind of abandonded my normal way of doing things, went with the situation that was presented to me, and got optimal results. I haven't been this happy with my drawings since early in the summer. It was as if I didn't have any aggression to work out through my drawings like I've been doing lately. I didn't let the darkness cloud my vision and direct my work. For me last night, my technique seemed down-right pleasant. I felt inspired by the impressionists of the past and the warm soul of Mike and our model, Kelly. I felt inspired by my classmates' talent and passion for their craft. For the first time in a long time, I felt guided by peace and tranquility, guided by the light, not some overbearing stress and angst. I've been focusing on darkness for quite some time in these pages, and perhaps that's why I've been in such a sour mood. Perhaps it's a vicious circle that I need to get out of. Can I keep up this little love-fest and not be the dark brooding artist of my past? Can I let this ray of light creep back into my work, into my world, and change things for the better? Is this what it means to be touched by the grace of God? Is this what it's all about? Is this the meaning behind all of this? Is this my ultimate purpose for being an artist? Is this the path that is layed before me? When I open myself up to these questions, the big ones, the only truth that I find is that there are only countless more questions to be asked. Heavy topics for a dot com site, I know. That's all for now. My head hurts. ...but in a good way. :) Friday's playlist: 1. Michael Jackson - Off The Wall 2. Michael Jackson - Bad 3. Coldplay Live 2003 4. Madonna - Drowned World Tour 2001 |
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Full
Frontal Today when I got to work, I realized that my Palm Pilot and iPod were still at home on my desk. To my surprise, I felt completely naked without my two precious little handheld devices. Since I'm able to listen to my headphones all day at work (hell, need to listen to them to block out all of the surrounding noise), I resorted to the standby Sony Discman that I keep hidden away in the back of my bottom drawer. I remember getting that Discman over a decade ago. It was the coolest thing back then. But today, it felt clunky to me, out of place. It felt huge compared to my iPod, which I usually keep in my front shirt pocket. Relying on only the few CDs I still had in my car annoyed me...I wanted to have my entire collection with me, like I usually do every day. 7,500 songs at my fingertips, baby. But not today. I joked that the Discman and the CDs themselves felt so archaic to me. How did we all get along in the 90s with such primitive technologies? Now I understand why Kurt Cobain killed himself. It felt odd and awkward for me to not have my Palm calendar in front of me. The few times today I needed to look up certain dates, I actually had to look at the calendar on the wall, not the one that fits in the palm of my hand. I had to do it the ol' fashion way. I almost didn't know how. All day, it bothered me that I had no idea if I had a meeting or some other appointment that I forgot about that was only stored in my Palm Pilot. It's funny, when you depend on any type of organizer, how lost you feel when it's not at your disposal. Have I become so dependent on all of this technology? Can I not rely on my memory for simplest things like a 10:00 meeting or a 4:30 haircut? There are many times when I'm at my parents, when I'd love to check something out on the web; but they don't even have a computer (thankfully, I guess, 'cuz otherwise I'd be tech support). At those times, I have to admit that I almost feel helpless without internet access. It seems that lately, when I'm away for a long period of time, I look forward to coming home to my computer and all my little gadgets. Plugging back in. When did I become this guy? When did I let so much of the technology around me define who I am? I find it funny that not having these simple technologies around me make me feel so naked, as if they somehow blanket me from the elements or something. Very weird indeed. Wednesday's playlist: 1. The Matrix Revolutions Soundtrack 2. Coldplay Live 2003 3. Sarah McLachlan - Afterglow |
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After the banquet, Jamie and I had a nice chat on the drive home. He told me that as he sat there that morning, eating his breakfast, being alone for the first time in a very long time, that he realized that my life is like that every morning. He pointed out that for him, being married and having kids, there's always somebody around. That is what family life is all about. I told him some of my fears about being single, being alone. I told him that I'm afraid that someday, I'm going to have to face the death of a parent alone. I told him that I'm afraid that someday, I'm going to have to spend Christmas morning alone. I'm afraid that someday, I'll be old and sickly, and not have anybody to take care of me. I'm afraid that someday, I'll die alone. When I presented him with my fears, he was quick to also point out, that he's never perceived me as being alone. Being single, living alone since I was in college (I even had a few years in college where I had my own dorm room), I've gotten quite used to not having anybody around. But because of that, I've also gotten quite used to making sure that I rarely am alone. My weekends are usually booked tight. My nights after work are either full, or I choose to be alone. I can't remember the last time I actually felt bored. I think being single, I'm used to building that support group of people around me. Whether it's friends or coworkers, family or classmates, I won't allow myself to be lonely. I always have people in my life. The time I have at night in front of the computer or the tv or the pages of my Rolling Stone is much-cherished me time. And being single, I've probably got much more of it than the married folk, but hey, that's the trade-off. I sometimes wonder, if, because I've been single for so long, that I'm not just that much more capable of being alone versus people who have somebody else in their house? I suppose, really, it's just a way to cope. It is, after all, the only way I know how to live. As my conversation with Jamie ended, he almost seemed to reassure me that my fears of being alone will never come to be. He reminded me of the love I have for my sister and her family, and the obvious love they have for me as well. With bonds that strong, I will truly never be alone. Tuesday's playlist: 1. The Matrix Revolutions Soundtrack 2. Moulin Rouge Volume 2 3. Peter Gabriel - Passion: Music From The Motion Picture The Last Temptation Of Christ 4. Beck - Sea Change |
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A Study
In Lights Even though it was damn cold out that day, I have to admit that I enjoyed being outside all day. Despite my running nose and tingling ears, the sun was still shining bright, and it was the first time that I'd spent any considerable amount of time in the sun since the summer. The weather lately has been so dark and gloomy, so extremely depressing. A few mornings last week, the sun was shining on my way to work, but only a few hours later it was cloudy and dreary again. It's like I just couldn't escape the gray. It was invigorating to be outside on Saturday. The sun shining on my skin coupled with the brisk November air made me feel alive. Feeling and seeing the sun made me realize how long my body had been thirsting for a little bit of sunlight. My mood of late has been so gray; the sun seemed to help me along a much brighter path as well. As I was tending to all of the different trees, noticing all of their different shapes and personalities, I felt incredibly content with the simple, albeit large, task at hand. It felt good not straining my brain for a change, and doing something a bit more physical instead. It felt good using my arms and legs, stretching out to reach the tallest branches. It felt good pounding a hammer into some wood instead of slamming a mouse down in frustration. The chore of the Christmas lights will continue next weekend. The more I help my parents prepare for the holidays, the further behind my "To Do" list falls. But there will always be time for that, somehow, I guess. For now, I'll take advantage of the weather whenever I can. Before I know it, Saturday's 35 degree temperature will seem extremely pleasant compared to he harsh Wisconsin winter that is right around the corner. For now, I'll follow the sun. Monday's playlist: 1. The Matrix Revolutions Soundtrack 2. The Matrix Reloaded Soundtrack 3. Coldplay Live 2003 P.S. I saw Matrix Revolutions again last night with Brandon from work. I have to say, my perception of it last night is 100% positive compared to my thoughts from Friday night. The movie was a bit dense (or perhaps I was the dense one), but I feel like the second viewing really made me appreciate the complete series even more. I will post my review of the movie on my discussion board later tonight. |
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When we started drawing, I noticed how harsh the lights were set up. Usually when you light an object, you have a few different light sources, which diffuses the light a bit and allows the details to show up. The way Mike (the guy who runs the class) had the lights set up, almost all of the model's face was in shadow, with only a few stark highlights. Mike's a little quirky when people request to alter "his" lights. So in the end, we were stuck with the less-than-admiral lighting situation. Oh well, I thought, I'll have to deal with what I've been handed. Deal with the darkness. As I was drawing the sketch you see on the right, I realized that this study was about the harsh lighting situation; it was about the darkness. The entire 90 minutes working on the drawing, I found myself just trying to make it darker and darker. I laughed at the irony of the process that night. I thought of my conversation that day at lunch, when I listened to a friend in his darkest time, dealing with his personal tragedy, his deep loss, and his private darkness. I thought of my own inner darkness that I've been feeling lately too. That night, I remember almost chuckling to myself: I'm trying to embrace the darkness? Life has a funny way of handing you things. Most often, they are all the diffused tones of gray that are easy to deal with and easy to see for what they are. But then other times, more so than we probably realize, things are completely black and white and there's nothing you can do about it. There are times when the darkness is so overwhelming, that you have to force yourself to see the highlights...force yourself to see if there even are any. There are times, like in class Thursday night, where it's nothing but a study in darkness. I noticed, though, that the longer I focused on the extreme darkness, that even it came in a wide range of values. I hope that nights like Thursday are the exception to the rule in that class. I hope that next week the light will be a little more even, perhaps a little less harsh. That's all you can do at times, I suppose, is just hope that the darkness will pass. At times, life seems to be nothing but a study of contrasts. P.S. Well, I'm off to tackle the day ahead of me. I'm already late to get over and help Dad with the Christmas lights. Tonight, I have a banquet for the sailing I did this summer. In the end, Jamie and I took third place in the series! Later. |
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System
Overload |
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Daddy
Played Bass, Mama Sang Tenor I used to turn my nose up at country music. But then somewhere along the way, I realized that if I limit myself to what I listen to, purely based on the label somebody gives it, the section it resides in at the music store, I could be missing out on a lot of great music. Over the past 8 years or so, I've actually become quite fond of a small handful of country artists: Vince Gill, Shania Twain, Faith Hill, the Dixie Chicks, Martina McBride, Allison Kraus, Patsy Cline, Willie Nelson, and of course, Johnny Cash.
Music plays such a huge role in my life, every single day. It's probably a bigger force than art in my life. I wake up to music, sing it in the shower, drive to it, listen to it at work, work out to it, party to it, cry to it, etc. Music lets me escape. But it also forces me to seek the truth. For me, music can be spiritual and carnal. It's my way to connect to the world around me. Music is probably my favorite thing in the entire world. Music is such an amazing, strong, wonderful presence in my life. And I have The Vander Heiden Family Band to thank for it. (But actually, my aunt Lynn played base...) Wednesday's playlist: 1. Coldplay Live 2003 2. The Very Best Of Sheryl Crow 3. Sarah McLachlan - Afterglow 4. Madonna - Ray Of Light |
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The
Next Big Thing I've pretty much avoided the new tv season until now, but new seasons of 24, South Park, and The Simpsons have hit my cable box. The holiday movie season is ramping up, too. This week, Matrix Revolutions comes out and next month Return of the King. There's so much media flying right at me. I wanted a diversion from the gray, and I guess I got it. Too bad it's almost too much. Something's got to give. Something's going to get lost along the way. Something that could have been spectacular may just get cast aside for the next big thing. I have to admit, though, a guy like me enjoys this mass-media assult; I thrive on it. But at times, though, it's hard not to get lost in the shuffle; it's hard to focus. That's all for now; I have a Coldplay DVD to watch. Tuesday's playlist: 1. Sarah McLachlan - Surfacing 2. Dixie Chicks - Home 3. The White Stripes - Elephant 4. Coldplay - A Rush Of Blood To The Head |
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I think of my friends at work and how interesting work relationships are. I've been at my job almost 10 years now. I've formed some really strong, important friendships at that place. I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have my friends there, I'd find a new job in a heartbeat. Think of how much time we spend with those people...every day, 8 hours a day. I see them more than I see my family. I think of the trials and tribulations that some of them have endured over the past month or so. I think of my role, as the good friend, the listener, the one who would like to do more, but really can't. Sometimes my lopsided ears and broad shoulders are all I have to give. I realize that both groups of friends, the ones that are more my social circle and the ones that I work with, are such a huge force in my life. My anchor. When I think of my life, there's so much that I don't share with my family...but my friends know it all. During my hardest times a few years ago, I never let on to my family what was going on....I solely depended on my friends. Friends are so different from family, because you can choose them. Each friend I have represents some part of my personality or possibly a part of it that may be missing. The people I choose to have around me are as unique all the quirky little facets of my personality. On this dark rainy night, where my day wasn't particularity bad, just a bit gloomy and and a tad hectic, I feel extremely fortunate for all the friends around me that I can share the good times and the bad, the day-to-day monotony, all the angst and drama, the smiles and laughs...and all of the heart. Monday's playlist: 1. Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers soundtrack 2. Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring soundtrack 3. Clay Aiken - The Measure Of A Man |
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Between trick-or-treaters, I enjoyed a few pints of ale with my upstairs neighbor. It was great fun chatting with another kid-at-heart whose as excited about the holiday as me. When trick-or-treating was over, I stopped by my parents to give my nephews their Halloween treats. The little heroes were quite excited with their pumpkins full of toys and candy. I tend to forget that this holiday is actually for kids!
I got home quite late and got up even earlier to continue my trek to Splatterfest. It was such a good feeling spending time with such good friends. A few of the people at Splatterfest are friends who I just don't see as much as I'd like to anymore. It was awesome catching up. When I'm with those people, it's so great, 'cuz it always feels like no time at all has passed by. I always enjoy their familiar senses of humor. My friend Jim, who's one of my best friends, was there. Our schedules just haven't connected at all this year. It was so great seeing him. He shared the great news with us that he got engaged a few weeks ago. His girlfriend, Linda, is an incredible person, who I like more and more each time I see her. I'm really happy for them. It was really great news to get after some of the shitty things that happened last week. The movies we watched were all quite bloody, all quite splattery! It's a blast watching movies like that with a group of pop culture savvy friends. The running commentary on the movies is what always makes Splatterfest such a great time. Again, more A-list celebs made appearances: The Thing, Rogue, Ash, Bonnie and Clyde, Too Much Coffee Man, Funshine Sunshine Bear, crazy cousin Cooter, a Salem witch, and a few other of the undead. It's such a great tradition. It's such a blast. My Halloween weekend consisted of many much needed diversions. Good times were had with old friends and new. I think I consumed at least one second-breakfast and my share of ale. As I got back to my little hole-in-the-wall late last night, I felt content, complete, happy with my group of friends, and happy with life. There's something so great about a holiday that lets you step outside of yourself and step into another character for awhile. I think it's a well needed break for us all. P.S. Be sure to check out the October archives for some of last week's entries, and the photography section for another new photo. As one door closes, another door opens.
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If you any questions, comments, or requests, you can contact me at: |
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Last night I updated the 
The
Impressionist Movement
Silver
And Gold
I
feel so lucky for the family that I have. I'm happy that, for
the most part, we all get along. There's not a lot of family
drama or he-said/she-said nonsense. In general, we're just happy
to have each other, safe and healthy, with no major problems
or heartaches. With my nephews in the picture now, I'm so lucky
to watch life through their eyes. I feel blessed to experience
the excitement of a trip to the zoo with them. It warms my heart
to watch them ooh and ah over the Christmas light display. I
truly know what love is when I watched Derick sing and dance
to "Silver And Gold" from the Rudolph movie.
There's a Christmas song out called "Christmas Through Your
Eyes;" I now understand how profound those sentiments can
feel.
Kite
Shine
My
goal tonight, though, after an emotionally exhausting weekend,
was to share a little positivity on this site. The drawings on
this post were drawn last Thursday night. I feel like a broken
record when I talk about my art classes, because each time, things
go better and better than the time before. The energy in that
room seems to be getting stronger as well. It's an electric force
that we're all feeling. It's a wonderful thing.
There's
a group of regulars now coming to class: Mike, Mark, Mara, Sharon,
Jane, Lynn, Don, and myself. With all of these regulars, there's
an intensity forming, a closeness, a bond with these fellow artists
that's just really cool to watch happening. I'm learning so much
from my classmates and enjoying their company more with each
session. The creativity is building upon itself and growing like
magnificent flower garden out of control.
Well, my brother-in-law
is home, safe and sound for the moment, at least. I didn't get
the complete story, but I guess the medication he's on right
now made him quite drowsy, so he got home and went straight to
bed. So far, all of the tests they've done on him are saying
nothing's physically wrong, which leads to the initial idea that
he's having a panic attacks. He's been under so much stress lately,
working extra hard now that my sister stays home with the kids.
He's been studying his ass off for this test so he could run
his own business, to provide for his family even more. Now, I
suppose, the struggle will be to keep this anxiety under some
type of control. This won't be an easy burden to deal with. I
know that he's doing all of this extra work to care for my sister
and his sons. For that, I have a love and a deep respect for
this man. Seeing how his caring and love for his family can drive
him to panic attacks, makes me realize how real a parent's love
is, how strong the bond is. The weight of the bigger forces in
life is an incredible thing.
Last week, my friend Brandon
sent me the ultra-sound pictures of his and his wife's baby.
Those pictures always blow my mind. Late last month, Brandon's
brother died. I can only imagine the intense emotions he's feeling
right now, on both sides of life's spectrum. I watch the things
he's experiencing, just from a second-hand point of view, and
can't help but see the forces of life in full gear. The non-stop
scheme of life has an undeniable heaviness to it.
I
spent today with my sister and nephews. This was all in light
of Chad's health scare on Friday, but before anything happened
yet tonight. I was sitting in the living room, watching Derick
watch Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. He was mimicking
every movement of the characters, imitating all of the little
dances, singing along with all of the little cute songs. Meanwhile,
my other nephew, Brett, was playing with a trunk, making loud
truck noises, just in his own little world. It amazed me for
a moment how quickly these two are growing, how quickly things
have changed since Derick was born, how different my life is
now. I still remember our first Christmas together, when he was
only a week old, and how he fell asleep on my chest. I watched
him today, slowly becoming a little boy, with Brett not far behind,
with his father's health scare from Friday still in the back
of my mind. I felt consumed by love, but for a moment, overwhelmed
by the bigger forces of life, all happening whether we like it
or not.
My sister, Tammy, called
me today at work, quite upset. She was crying and could barely
talk. My brother-in-law, Chad, is up north right now deer hunting
with some buddies. He called her from the cabin they're staying
at and informed her that earlier today he had to go to the emergency
room. He'd been feeling anxious and out of breath; he was dehydrated
and had a panic attack.
Workin'
Day And Night
Today is what they call
"Super Tuesday" in the entertainment biz. The retailers
put out their biggest and best products to crank things up for
the holiday shopping season. I'm such a sucker when all of this
new stuff comes out. Today was a big day for me in terms of self-indulgence.
Released today: a 4-DVD collectors edition of Lord Of The
Rings: The Two Towers (I've been waiting for this item all
year), U2 Go Home: Live From Slane Castle Ireland (another
DVD I've been waiting for for quite some time), a Tori Amos CD/DVD,
a Michael Jackson CD/DVD, and The Beatles Let It Be...Naked,
a de-Phil Spectorized version of the original album (the way
Paul wanted it I suspect). I have so much to watch and listen
to it boggles my mind. Total media saturation. Plus, 24 is
on in a few minutes. My it show of the season. So this
is going to be a short post.
Ripples
In The Sea Of Life
Back
To The Proverbial Drawing Board
This
week, my frame of mind was different. A change was in the air.
I didn't go to class stressed out and full of baggage from the
work week. I've been so stressed out there lately; but this week,
I finally feel like I got a hold of my work load and have thing
a little more under control. I was finally able to harness the
wild beast at work that had been weighing me down. I still have
many huge tasks at hand that will keep me quite busy through
the beginning of 2004, but suddenly they're a bit more feasible.
Mike
set the classroom up completely different. Having my drawing
surroundings basically switched backwards made things seem new
and exciting. The energy in the air somehow felt different; it
was ripe with the passion of art. Everybody seemed to feel the
energy, was definitely part of it, and benefited from it greatly.
Everybody's work was outstanding. These descriptions may sound
overly dramatic, but that's the way the experiences feel to me.
(Hey ma look! Nude pictures
of me on the 'net!!)
Lonely
Vs. Alone
All day Saturday, I helped
my dad put up about another 5,000+ Christmas lights. We got a
lot accomplished on Saturday, but still have at least one more
weekend's worth of work to do. It was one of those days, where
I couldn't complain about the large task at hand. As a matter
of fact, Saturday was a great day to be alive.
A Study
In Darkness
As I was watching the awards
show, which I have to admit had some really great performances,
I found myself thinking, "I wish I could do that" when
I saw somebody playing the piano or the guitar. I thought to
myself how much it sucks that for growing up in a family with
so much musical talent, I got nothing out of it. But as that
thought popped into my head, a moment later the other thought
did too: Wait a minute, I got the love of music from
my family.
Places
In The Heart
There And Back
Again: A Hobbit's Tale
Friday, I left work early
and transformed myself into Frodo Baggins. The trick-or-treaters
arrived like a flocks of orcs. It was awesome watching all the
little masters in their goblin disguises. Their parents seemed
a bit leery of this hobbit handing out candy. Perhaps they could
sense the evil of the ring I was destined to carry.
Later,
my journey took me to a fun party with my friends Slim Jim, Eggs
and Bacon, and a tranvestite slut. The host of the party, Dr.
Suess, wasn't exactly fond of bare feet, but what's a hobbit
to do? The party was full of A-list celebs: Trinity, Hugh Hefner,
Johnny Cash, Sigfriend and Roy, the Pope, and of course, Death
(who, I might add, was smoking cigarettes, ironically enough).
Apparently, since I was in costume, I thought it perfectly okay
to do karokee for an hour or so to songs by the Beatles. I can
only imagine how I really sounded. I think all the Jello shots
had something to do with it. I really had a good time.