With that said, I'm going out of town for work through the weekend. I'll be the staff photographer for the meeting I'll be at. I'll also be there to see our executive VP launch this project. This is a major frickin' deal! I'm excited and scared at the same time. I've been giving it my absolute all at work these days. I get home and I'm just fried to the max. I don't think I've ever been so lethargic in my personal life, and so busy and affective in my professional life. With the stress of the job (and this nasty heat wave that hasn't gone away), I've been sleeping like shit. I find myself waking up at night to the crash of insecurity and doubt. I'm not sure where my energy come from during the days, but I've been giving it my all.

Needless to say, this website, my workout routine, and my art classes have all but been ignored. I've been a complete recluse this summer. U2, Star Wars, Family Guy, Six Feet Under, and the Live 8 mp3s that my friend Mark made are my only escape these days. I guess I look at it as a type of energy conservation. I know what it took to be successful in those other areas in my personal life, but I just don't have it inside right now to do it all. Something had to give. And this time, work had to be the priority. I'm totally okay with that, knowing I'll be able to get back to normalcy once I'm back from this work trip.

So...for the next few days, I'll be near Phoenix, AZ, sweltering in the dessert heat, just trying to stay cool. Last week, it was well in the 120s! It should be interesting, but I have to say, despite all the stress, it will be a refreshing change of pace to get a change in scenery.

That's all for now.

G

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• Bono In Converstation/Citizen Kane/Dark City/The Final Cut: Memories, Reality, and Perception (Yeah, somehow I tie them all together!)
• Live 8: The Redemption

That's all for now. Let me know what you think. I hope to update this more, real soon. I promise.

G

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G

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Tonight after work, I created my own podcast. Now, the quality isn't that great. I need a better microphone. And I'm not sure if its a podcast in the truest sense of the word, either, as it's not uploaded to a real blog site. For now, my first podcast is just linked to my website. It's encoded as an mp4 file, so I think it only works on iTunes. I'm not even sure if people will be able to download the file from the web page onto their computer. Those are all bugs I need to work out. For now, it's my first subtle attempt at putting another layer of my voice out there. This is way cool. Let me know what you think!

Click here to hear my first official podcast!

Tuesday's Playlist

1. John Williams - Revenge Of The Sith

2. Dido - Live At Brixton Academy

G

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The Wind
June 15, 2005 (sketch date 7/21/95) Wednesday 9:42 PM
Ten years ago today, my cousin Michael died. He was 15 months old. It was undoubtedly the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life. His death shook my foundation to its core. I couldn't make sense of it. It didn't seem right; it certainly wasn't fair.

I woke up this morning remembering what day it was. Usually on this day, I visit the cemetery, put some flowers on his grave, say a small prayer, and let Michael know that his oldest cousin Punkin still thinks about him all the time. That little kid changed my life. I would have to do something different to remember this day, I noted to myself, as I had sailing after work, and would get home too late to visit the florist.

As the hustle-bustle of my day proceeded, my thoughts of Michael disappeared as projects and deadlines became my focus, making my stomach tie up in knots. Later in the morning, I had a CPR refresher. The instructor stopped me in my tracks when he said something like, "Not that many children die of heart attacks unless they were born with some type of heart problem." I was floored: Michael was born with a bad heart. The day had to press on. I continued with my work, with thoughts of Michael again getting clouded by my tasks at hand.

After work my friend Jamie and I sailed as we do every Wednesday in the summer. It was probably the most aggressive sailing I've done in a few years. The wind was fierce, almost tipping the boat over many times. As I write this, I'm still soaked, banged-up and bruised. We took an 8th and a 2nd place in the two races. I'm not sure how we pulled off the second success. The wind really kicked our asses tonight, but it was absolutely invigorating to be out there. It felt great to be alive, be at the sole mercy of Mother Nature in all her naked majesty. For as difficult as the wind made the sail tonight, it also made the night a blast and a real treat to be on the lake.

As I drove home, my mind felt light and at ease. The stress of the past few days seemed to lift with the sail, as it always does on these nights. My mind focused on a live U2 CD that I burned of some of the new tour. I sang loud and strong in my car, as I usually do. My soul felt free and was soaring.

As I approached home, again I suddenly remembered what day it was. The cemetery where Michael is buried is on my way into town. Before I could comprehend what I was seeing, I saw a minivan I recognized, which was my aunt and uncle's. I looked over, and saw them looking at the grave, arm-in-arm. All of these thoughts and recollections all happened at once, as the difference synopses fired off in my brain. And then like a beacon, I heard my U2 CD again, by this point it was on the song "Yahweh." As I dove past the cemetery, with flashes of that horrible day 10 years ago burning in my mind, the following lyrics shouted out of my stereo:

Yahweh, yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, tell me now
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

In my mind, I swear I heard "Always pain before a child is gone." It gave me chills.

The few short days after Michael's death were blazing hot. There were a few moments where a cool breeze would give me some relief. During that time, I swear I could feel Michael's spirit in the wind. It was as if he was saying, "It's alright; this was meant to be." I know that sounds odd, but there's no other way to explain it. From that point forward, there were many times that when I was having hard times, a gust of wind would rattle the windows, snapping me to attention, making me realize things would be alright. Michael was there giving me some relief, dancing in that wind. I strongly believe that to my core.

His spirit is still alive.

He is always in that wind to me.

So tonight, when I got out of my car, and the fog of what day it was once again lifted, I realized the coincidence of the windy night sailing. The wind. In my mind, it's no coincidence. He was there with me, spending some time with me, on this special day. As I conclude writing this, it sounds more and more odd, as if the magic of his spirit is leaving me as I get more grounded into my night as this day passes on.

I can't even begin to explain how happy I am after my windy night of sailing.

That's all for now.

Rest in peace, Michael.

Why the darkness before the dawn?

G

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For those two and a half hours tonight, I lost myself in a galaxy far, far away, full of droids, clones, cyborgs, creatures, knights, and devils. It's a truly moving tale. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a kid sitting with his dad. As the movie got progressively darker, the kid sat closer to the edge of his seat. I wondered what a movie going experience like Star Wars, with its modern day graphics, slick editing, and amazing sound must be like through the eyes of a child. For a split second, I found myself slightly jealous of that little kid. His viewing experience had to be so radically different than mine. I couldn't imagine seeing this dark tragedy slowly unfold, through eyes far more innocent than mine.

(spoiler alert) When all the shit really goes down, as Mace Windu gets killed, the jedi are ambushed, the younglings are slaughtered, Anakin gets sliced and diced before essentially burning alive, Padme dies, and the two remaining heros rush off into hiding, I realized that perhaps my vested interest in these characters obviously makes the story that much deeper for me. I wonder if that kid felt at all the weight of the tale that I did, somebody with a 30 year history of this story and these characters.

It's odd for me, watching this movie, knowing it's only a movie, and still feeling so moved. A part of me (maybe that innocent child inside?) feels a real sorrow for the characters in this movie, and the tragic series of events that occurred. Seeing Yoda and Obi-Wan make such horrible flaws, failing so miserably, really bothers me. I know how fucked up that sounds: a CG muppet and the dude from Moulin Rouge who wasn't even in the first trilogy, and I feel bummed by the choices their characters made.

When I think about it, I'm not used to watching movies where the main characters end up losing at the end. There's no big hurrah at the end of this movie when Anakin transforms into Darth Vader, after almost being burned to a crisp. There's no fanfare when Obi-Wan realizes his complete failure. There's no cheering when a reign of evil takes over the universe. At the end of this trilogy, the bad guys win.

For me, these movies have become so much more than just movies. Very few films can take on a life of their own like Star Wars has. I suppose Lord of the Rings has for me, and the Matrix films did to a much lesser extent. But Star Wars just touches a place deeper inside. The idea of good and dark sides of a force greater than us all, put into an entertaining sci-fi package, somehow makes many of the huge mythological, philosophical, sociological, religious, and political themes that much more relatable for me, leading my mind (okay, challenging it) all over the place. The time-honored themes of destiny, abandonment, family, attachment, love, betrayal, and honor run deep in these movies, which I think is why they reside so astutely in my psyche. And as I get older, the reasons why I love the Star Wars movies continues to grow.

It would be interesting to peak inside that kid's head as he was sitting on the edge of his seat. Why did he get the thrills that he did? How will this movie stick with him? Will the astonishment of the cool special effects extravaganza change in time to something deeper and more profound?

I know for this little kid it has. That's all for now. My mind's all over the place tonight.

Tuesday's Playlist

1. John Willaims - Revenge Of The Sith

2. Dido - Live At Brixton Academy

G

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"Paris Hilton says she plans to give up public life."

My friends, that, is the true definition of irony. Giving up ones public life should not entail having your P.R. rep infrom the AP.

That's hot. Yeah, I'm breaking the trademark. We can only hope this stupid bitch lives up to her word. Later.

Monday's Playlist:

1. Coldplay - X & Y

2. Pink Floyd - Dark SIde Of The Moon

Currently listening to Michael Jackson (Free on all 10 counts!!!!!)

G

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Today was a better day. I had a set of desired goals which I accomplished early in the day. In the scheme of the big projects, today's accomplishments were nothing. But as the continuing step in the progression of the work, it was a huge step for me. Around lunch time, I was finally able to feel the stress of the week dissipate and feel like somehow, next month's goal is obtainable.

So now tonight, I have plans to go out with some friends. Nothing major, just a fun night out. I need to blow off some steam and get my mind off of work for awhile. Tonight, I'm looking forward to a little lift-off. I'm ready to leave the ground.

That's all for now. Need to do a quick spell-check, and then I'm off for the night! Later!

Friday's Playlist: Coldplay - X & Y

G

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I find it funny how my life can be so full of opposites. I've been so completely tied to my new computer the past few weeks and now sailing starts. It's as if I've gone from pure digital to pure organic. Digital to analog. It's a nice balance to have in my life.

I'm admittedly a tech junkie. I'm always plugged in. To me, it's practically foreign to talk to somebody who only checks email once a week or less, much less doesn't have it. I order tickets online. I find phone numbers, movie times, the daily news, and use the dictionary all online. I have a handful of chat friends. All of my photos are now digital. I buy almost all of my music online now as well. My entire music library is stored on my computer. When my CD player in my stereo dies, I won't be replacing it. That's what my computer and iPod are for.

Yeah, I'm more machine now than man, twisted and evil.

But for as plugged in as I have to be, I also have an extreme -- in my mind, almost a profound -- fondness for nature. The farm boy that I once was is far from gone. I love everything about Mother Nature. I love the many lakes that Wisconsin has to offer. I love sailing. I love trees and flowers, the birds chirping, and a beautiful sunset or sunrise. I'm also finding a deep appreciation for the sound of silence.

Sometimes I just need to disconnect. I need to go for a long quiet walk, stare at the trees, or get lost in the clouds.

I'm glad this computer chip that's been implanted in the back of my neck has the override switch on it that occasionally gets used. I love I can be sailing at one moment, then blogging about it the next. I love the balance. It makes me the cyborg I am in 2005.

That's all for now.

Wednesday's Playlist

1. Coldplay - X & Y

2. U2 - How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb

P.S. I downloaded the new Coldplay album yesterday. Believe the hype people. This album kicks ass!

G

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I've been messing around with the GarageBand program the most. I've created eight songs already, that I have to admit, I've been really enjoying listening to. I find myself approaching each song as I approach a drawing. Am I moved to just create the piece for the sake of creating it? Am I reacting to something? Trying to create a certain mood? It all depends on my muse. It's just become another great outlet for creation. I may not be drawing or writing quite as much these days, but I'm certainly no lacking inspiration or creativity. Now musics just been thrown in the mix. It's a great, great tool. Suddenly, I'm working on my new "album," which blows my mind thinking in those terms. Me -- creating an album -- How cool is that!!

I like the sound of my own voice
I didn't give anyone else a choice
An intellectual tortoise
Racing with your bullet train

From "All Because Of You" by U2

Other than that, I caught a couple of great movies this weekend: Kinsey and Garden State. Both very unique, both very thought-provoking. I even used a line from Garden State as a title for one of my songs! Kinsey was far more explicit than I thought it would be, but still really interesting. Natlie Portman was such a pleasure to watch in Garden State. Gosh, I like good movies!

That's all for now. More later.

G

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P.S. To the May archives... When one door opens...

 If you any questions, comments, or requests, you can contact me at:

g-man@g-manink.com