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Thursday's playlist: 1. Beck - Sea Change 2. 10,000 Maniacs - Our Time In Eden 4. Crash Test Dummies - God Shuffled His Feet 5. Madonna - Remixed & Revisited 6. The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King Original Motion Picture Soundtrack P.S. I usually don't do this (as I mentioned in last night's post), but click here to check out the latest celebrity mug shot, which belongs to James Brown. Apparently he's had some problems with the law again. This is perhaps the funniest mug shot I've seen yet!! |
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My goal has always been to make these pages a little more personal. People have commented on the honesty in my writing, and that's something I take pride in and hope to continue have come through. I want all of this to be about something, hopefully, a little deeper than the latest reality TV show starring some ditzy blonde, or the Britney Spears scandal of the day. Some days, though, like most of this week, I really don't have anything much deeper than those things to write about. That's not necessarily a bad thing at times; it's not like it's been a bad week. I just really haven't plunged quite as deep into things emotionally as I've done at other times. But where this site is concerned this week, though, I feel as if I'm selling myself short, ignoring my talents and my art, like I did for all of those years before. I'm not ready to let that happen again.
What I'm trying to teach myself to do is still find something worth writing about everyday of the week. If I want to become a better writer (holy shit, I just called myself a writer!), I have to learn to harness the good days, the bad days, and all those days in between. I have to learn how to harness the normal, daily life, and somehow figure out a way to write about that. After all, my initial reasons for writing in this thing are purely for me (aren't they?). Not for anybody else. Isn't this all really just a record of my life, to perhaps (big perhaps), pass on to my kids or nephews someday? So at times, this may very well just simply be a record of the kind of day I've had, nothing more, nothing less. An archive of daily life in Wisconsin, USA, I suppose. I guess I have to allow those days to happen, and not feel obligated to create something that isn't there. I'm certainly not afraid that the spiritual, emotional, or exciting days are going away. Far from it. I just know that once in awhile they come and go in streaks. The circle of life. As I said, I'm actually quite fond of my drawings from last Thursday night. Class was small. It was only Mark, the model, Cheng, and myself for most of the class, with Mike showing up later on. I've drawn Cheng four or five times now, and each time I get her likeness a little bit more, although she's been quite difficult for me to capture. I think the real challenge with her has been drawing somebody with Asian features, not being able to rely on what I know to be "normal" eyes. Growing up, I drew eyes all the time, but they were always Caucasian eyes. Drawing somebody of a different race is a real challenge to me, because it forces me to see the face for what it is, not for what I know it to be. I feel like each time I draw Cheng, we get to know her a little bit more. She's a really sweet girl who's actually studying graphic design at the university. It was fun being able to share with her some of my experiences. In talking to her, though, I really felt old! Oh well. I'm quite happy with the drawings from this session, but I still haven't been able to capture her youth. I guess that's the task next time. Class, and margaritas that followed, were definitely fun, but it's really the first time I came home and didn't feel immensely inspired. I wonder if this cold spell has anything to do with it. No matter, I'm anxiously looking forward to class tomorrow night. They all can't be religious experiences, can they? Luckily, a good number of them usually are. That has to count for something. So tonight, in my subtle attempts to write about life being quite ordinary at times, I feel like I've been able to flesh those feelings out a bit, and maybe even extract something from all of it! Perhaps there's something to this writing thing.... Wednesday's playlist: 1. The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King Original Motion Picture Soundtrack 2. Michael Jackson - Number Ones 3. Shai - If I Ever Fall In Love 4. Wham! - The Final 5. Sting - Sacred Love 6. Prince - Batman |
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Junk
Food Diet I called in to sick to work today. I woke up feeling kind of under the weather this morning, just kind of blah, didn't want to deal with a shitty drive in, and ended up sleeping almost all of the day. Chalk another one up for self-indulgence. If you want to see the verbal assault I received from my coworkers for calling in, check out a message thread called "Responsibility" in the General Comments category of my discussion board. And these people are my friends! That's all for now; more TV to watch. |
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A Chance
Of Flurries When I got in from shoveling, I called up customer service and ended up bitching at a CSR that my replacement Palm pilot, the one I've only had for two weeks, already took a shit on me. I hate being the stern, demanding customer; it's so not me. But it seems like that's what you have to do to get any kind of service these days. Or at least that's what I had to do when she mentioned that I'd have to pay to get to get my Palm pilot fixed, even though I've only had it for two weeks. Apparently, my Belgian temper is good for something; I'm getting it fixed for free (and slowly turning into my old man!). Is it wrong for me to be pissed that it takes over 10 minutes to get through the automated menus before I finally get a human being on the other end? Is it wrong for me to be pissed that both times I've called up this company, and finally got through to a person, they redirect my call to India, to a CSR who I can barely understand, taking jobs away from this country because they'll do it for a cheaper wage? And should it piss me off that this is the second time in two months that I've spent over 45 minutes on the phone, on a non-1-800 number, trying to explain a problem to a CSR who isn't listening to me as I can hear her flip the pages in her book of answers? Since when did a $350.00 handheld computer have the longevity of a disposable camera?! Arrgh!!! Today really wasn't a bad day. In fact, it was actually a pretty good day. But this weather just kicked my ass and I'm officially beat. My initial post for tonight was going to be all lovey-dovey and about my art. But between the snow and the dwindling state of customer service in this country, I barely had the energy for this rant. Monday's playlist: 1. Sarah McLachlan - Afterglow 2. Celine Dion - A New Day Has Come 3. Paul McCartney - All The Best 4. Michael Jackson - Off The Wall Special Edition 5. The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King Original Motion Picture Soundtrack |
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I came across a handful of photo cards from my sister from the past few holiday seasons. These cards were the ones that somehow didn't make their way on to my refrigerator or were replaced with more recent cards. I couldn't help but stare at each of these cards for awhile and reflect about the past four years or so of my life in the role of uncle and the special relationships that I have with my nephews Brett and Derick. Yesterday, the photo cards were all of Derick, who was my first nephew born and is also my godson. My relationship with him will always be a tad more special because of that. I'm amazed at how much Derick has changed from his first Christmas with us to now. He was born the week before Christmas, only a couple months before I moved back here to Wrightstown. It's as if there's a huge chapter marker in my life, a huge "start over" square on the game board that is my life, but I can never decide whether its my move back to Wrightstown or when Derick was born. I suppose the two moments will always be etched in my mind as one. Those few weeks coupled together will always seem like moments of drastic change, of things starting anew and for the better. The spring of that year, I also turned 30; so when I think about it, that year had a few major milestones. Life in Appleton vs. Wrightstown; no Derick vs. Derick; and a young pup in his 20s vs. a kinder, gentler man beginning his 30s. Life can be funny how it segregates certain moments in time. Despite how so many things go on one day after another without virtually any change at all, it seems that just a few simple occurrences can make everything seem fresh and new again. Of course, I really don't consider the birth of a nephew or moving to a new town a simple occurrence. The paths we take in life, the journey it has to offer, can be such an amazing thing. I suppose, that's what life really is, isn't it? The grand journey of it all. Had you told me back at the beginning of 1999, during one of the darkest times of my life, that I'd become Uncle Punkin to two absolutely amazing little boys, I would have asked you what planet you were broadcasting from. Had you told me that I'd be living here in Wrightstown, population 1,000 something, I would have told you to bugger off. But here I am. Here I am indeed. I guess Forrest Gump had it right when he was talking about that box of chocolates. So after throwing out a majority of the old Christmas cards yesterday from years gone by, and saving only the select few that have somehow continued to touch me, my heart and soul swells with warmth and love. And today, after spending another snowy Sunday afternoon with these two wild little beelers who seem to be overflowing with mischief every waking second of the day, I'm a bit floored by just how good things sometimes turn out. I'm floored by life's journey and how it can truly take us to amazing new places, give us feelings of love and compassion we didn't know we were capable of feeling, show us colors that we've never seen before, and truly bless our lives and give them such sincere meaning. That's all for now. Blogging to John Denver - The Rocky Mountain Collection |
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Around 9:00, I checked Yahoo Instant Messenger to see if any of my online friends were around. As luck would have it, my friend Heather was online. She'd logged on to my webcam, could see that I was home, and made herself visible in I.M. We ended up chatting until past 1:00 am. Knowing that while we were chatting, she could see me was very cool. I even had a couple of beers since I didn't feel like I was drinking alone. Her boyfriend was gone out for the night, so two lonely friends caught up on things over high speed internet lines. The night flew by, and by the time we were done chatting, I felt far from bummed out. Heather and I have known each other in the real world, outside of this internet/matrix thing, for about 4 years. She lives in Minneapolis, which is about 6 hours away. Our mutual acquaintances are no longer in either of our lives, but because of the web, email, and Instant Messaging, we are closer now than ever and somehow stay in touch. All via the computer. She, too, has a blog, so even if we don't chat for some time, we're still able to stay up-to-date on each other's lives. It's a wonderful thing. She told me that she's really gotten to know me since I started up this site, She's been able to read about what goes on in my head and my life. She feels like now she's really getting to know the real me. By having this webcam going, it's just added another element to things. This morning, my friend Brandon called me just to say that he was checking my cam and watching surf away. Dirk and Splash called me later this afternoon. We had a mini-teleconference with my cam, his cam via Yahoo I.M., and our cell phones. How cool is all that? Because of my cam, I feel like I've spent time with my friends and made small connections with them without having to go outside on this cold January day. I didn't know what I was getting into when I decided to get this cam up and running. I've adjusted some code, and have been able to keep my bandwidth down and still broadcast things once every 20 seconds. But now, I can no longer screen my calls, if I know that somebody accesses my cam. It's kind of a weird concept knowing that today, I was allowing my friends to randomly check up on me...to randomly view me....at their leisure, but I can't watch them. It's made me a bit more aware of how I look in the morning, of all the little habits I have, and if my place is a mess. But in doing this, I'm just kind of putting it out there for people. I'm putting it out there for anybody to criticize and judge me, I suppose, if that's what they choose to do. But I have a feeling, that if people do log on, and they me scratching my nose with a bad case of bed-head in a messy computer room, that they'll be able to relate to that and say, "Hey, I'm not so different from that either." In this age of technology and information, so much garbage is being thrown at us on a daily basis. It's amazing how much porn spam I get every day in just one of my many email accounts and how easy it is to access the dirtiest, nastiest, most degrading pornography out there. It seems like all of this technology is making all of these negative things much more prominent in our culture. But when I think of how I'm using the web, webcams, email, chatting, blogs, etc. as a way to reach out and keep contact with old friends and get to know new ones, it's an amazingly powerful thing. The few connections I've made with people because of this site have been quite profound to me. The undesirable aspects of all of this new technology will always be there, I'm afraid. But as we harness this technology, and realize just how powerful it can be as a way to connect with the human spirit, rather than disconnect and shelter us from each other, it's a simply amazing thing. It's something that I never even consider in a million years when I started up this site. The fact that I can share a beer and many, many laughs with a good friend at midnight who's six hours away is a truly incredible thing. That's all for now. What are you watching? Saturday's playlist: 1. George Michael - Listen Without Prejudice Vol. 1 2. Sarah McLachlan - Fumbling Towards Ecstasy 3. Elton John - Greatest Hits 1970 - 2002 4. The Beatles - Let It Be...Naked 5. The Beatles - Anthology 3 6. Evanescence - Fallen 7. Coldplay - Parachutes |
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My
15 Seconds Of Fame Thursday's playlist: 1. U2 - All That You Can't Leave Behind 2. The Cranberries - To The Faithful Departed 3. Van Morrison - Moondance |
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Vanilla
Ice Perhaps after the excitement of yesterday, today just had to be. No graphic tonight, but there is a post. :P Wednesday's playlist: 1. The Matrix Reloaded Soundtrack - Disc 1 2. The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings Original Motion Picture Soundtrack 3. The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers Original Motion Picture Soundtrack 4. The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King Original Motion Picture Soundtrack 5. The Matrix Reloaded Soundtrack - Disc 2 |
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The people who set this program up weren't sure how well it would go over, but they gave it their best. Right away, we could tell this thing was taking off, growing wings. They decided to make a media event out of it, and reach the biggest local audience possible. Initially, they set up four live remote feeds from our building on one of the local Green Bay stations. How surreal it was, watching one of my friends on TV, talking directly into the camera, as I was getting ready for the day.
Shortly after lunch, two of the other networks got word of the story, and they were there too. At point of the day, three cameramen from the local TV stations as well as our own cameramen, Todd and Brandon, were shooting video footage of airbags going off and local firemen. I was shooting photos with our digital camera along with many other participants shooting for their own purposes as well. It felt like such a media blitz. It was hard not to get caught up in the excitement of it all. This was a pretty big deal. A major deal. For one split second, when I was surrounded by cameramen and photographers, I felt like the paparazzi at some big Hollywood event. It was a cool feeling being part of something like that.
It was also a really nice change of pace for the day. Getting so wrapped up in the adrenaline of things and taking so many photographs really felt good. I truly do feel like we made a small difference today too, a difference which could possibly help save lives. How cool is that? The people really liked the class and seemed to get a lot out of it. You could tell they've been waiting for something like this for a long time. In the end, I guess the story ran on three out of the four local networks on all of their broadcasts, and may actually make Fox's national feed. Tonight will be the first time in ages where I'll actually watch the local news at 9:00 and 10:00, just to see their outlook on the events of the day. I have to say, I'm exhausted tonight. All of that running around and the never-ending photo shoot has worn me out. But I'm exhausted in a good way, the way that will help me sleep sound tonight, in both body and mind, knowing we did good. It was a good day. Monday's playlist: 1. Kelly Clarkson - Thankful 2. Coldplay - Live 2003 |
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My initial story about Jerry started out how I felt very sad for him, dying all alone, living his life alone. I wondered if that would be my fate. But hearing about this wonderful person's life and the affect he had on the people around him, made me hope that I can aspire to be like him someday when I'm that age. It truly warms my heart. In thinking about Jerry, a second cousin who I barely knew, I think about my great uncle Fran. He was a bachelor and a farmer his entire life, a very simple man, but an incredible human being, who would give the shirt off of his back to those in need. He was very close to my grandpa Vander Heiden. I saw Fran all the time as he and Grandpa both took care of and sold many exotic ponies and chickens (I grew up eating eggs from the farm that had natural brown, pale green, pink, or pale blue shells!) on Grandpa's farm, where I worked until I left for college. Fran was more of a grandfather to me than my other grandpa ever was. Between my grandpa, and his other brother, Fran had over 20 nieces and nephews, plus countless great nieces and nephews. He knew all of our names, remembered all of our birthdays, and had all of our school pictures on his desk. He'd always give us the change in his pocket. I remember spending many summer Sunday afternoons with him and Grandpa at church picnics collecting money for pony rides and helping with the horses. It's the only childhood I know, and I wouldn't change it for the world. Fran was an avid country music collector. He made a few treks out to the Grand Ol' Opery, which was his dream come true. He had tons of albums, country music magazines, and music memorabilia. My mom always says I'm the splitting image of uncle Fran where my love for music is concerned (I think of my trip to the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame, my 800 + CDs, my Rolling Stone magazines...). Sometimes, I'll bring a new song over for her to listen to. I'll point out a certain lyric or change in the music or something that I think is just fantastic. I'll say to her, "Shhh...just listen." I'll put my finger up to my ear; exactly like uncle Fran. It's one of those mannerisms that I just vaguely remember that always brings a tear to my mother's eyes. I'm honored to have and to hold to that part of his legacy. Uncle Fran never married nor did he have children. We always said that he had 20 children who loved him so much. He would always spend the holidays with us, and be included in every family event: baptisms, first communions, confirmations, etc. He was never, ever alone. The last time I saw uncle Fran was on Christmas of my Freshman year in college, back in 1989. Something seemed off about him that night. His stories were shorter than usual, he looked a bit on the yellow in the face, and he just had a look in his eyes where we knew something was wrong. By the time I returned to school in January after break, Mom called me and said that he was diagnosed with liver cancer. He died two days after I got home for Spring Break that March, 10th, 1990. Fran's death was the first real time I ever dealt with the death of a loved one. At the time, it was the hardest thing I'd ever dealt with. I was so angry at the world, angry at God. Between his death and a Philosophy 101 class, I completely denounced any religion that I had left inside of me. It took me almost half a decade before I even started thinking about God again, much less believing in one again. I remember being alone and away at school, and so completely pissed off and confused about why this happened to him. Out of all people, him! That was the first time in my life where I really turned inward, and let my pain and grief be released through my art. It was an extraordinary time for me as a blooming artist in college. I did a black and white drawing of him and one of my cousins that ended up receiving an honorable mention at a show at the student Memorial Union. In his death, he guided my art, despite my anger, and I'll never forget that. The drawing you see in this post was a thank you note to him and his never-ending presence, his never-ending inspiration. Fran's funeral, much like dad's cousin Jerry's, was not a sad, lonely thing. The many, many tears I saw that day were tears of love, by so many people. I'd never been to a funeral that large. It was truly amazing to see just how many people's lives he had touched in his lifetime. Fran's funeral was the celebration of an extraordinary man's life who didn't let his situation in life hold him back. If anything, it gave him the free time to be the man that he was, to reach out to all he met. It gave him the time to be the favorite uncle to over 40 people. When I start thinking about life and love and being single and our purposes in life, I'm beginning to understand that we are all in different stations of our lives for certain reasons. I'm convinced that there's a definite purpose for Fran and Jerry both remaining bachelors. Perhaps there's a reason that I'm still single too. I've come to realize that I can no longer allow myself to get down for being single. There's way too much to live for. I've got so much I still want to do. If I end up like Fran or Jerry, if I touch a mere fraction of the people they touched in their lives, I'll consider myself to be one of the luckiest bastards alive. My intentions tonight were a to write a quick little post script about Jerry's funeral. I didn't expect to find a tear in my eye and reflect on one of my greatest inspirations in my life. I bet uncle Fran would have loved what I'm doing here in the pages of this site with my words and pictures. Hell, he's guiding my hand tonight. I still miss you and love you Fran; I always will. Love, Punkin :) Monday's playlist: 1. Madonna - Music 2. Tori Amos - Tales Of A Librarian 3. Cyndi Lauper - Twelve Deadly Cyns 4. Music from Moulin Rouge 5. Music from Moulin Rouge, vol. 2 |
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True
Colors I experimented with a roll of black and white film that I bought this past summer. I haven't shot anything in black and white since my photography class in college back in '92. The photo on the right is my very first black and white shot of a pretty successful roll of film. During the course of next week, hopefully time and energy will allow me to update my photography page with the new pics from this session. I have to admit, seeing the role of pictures in stark blacks and whites caught my breath. I can't wait to shoot more like this. It's a complete change in my mind set when shooting this way. Color can only be view as a value: dark or light or somewhere in between. Texture and shape suddenly play a bigger role in creating an interesting form and composition. I've noticed that with a few small exceptions, this January journal page has been pretty much void of any color as well. It seems fitting, though, in these cold, dark, short days that my art reflects the lack of color that Mother Nature has to offer. In shooting the pictures outside yesterday, except for a pale blue sky that quickly turned gray on me, everything seemed to lack color and life as the snow blanketed the hibernating wilderness below it. What a stark contrast compared to my December posts, where there was such an abundance of color. When I think about it, though, that's partially what the holidays do. They cover up the cold and gray with the razzle and dazzle of the holidays. The colorful lights and decorations seem to shield us from the lifelessness that is winter. Perhaps that's why it's so difficult for me to get motivated in early January, when the lights come down and reality is exposed.
When looking though those pictures, I'm reminded that the true colors of winter are practically black and white, with not much in the middle. And at times, I guess, that's how life is. There are things that we know in our heart and soul to be either black or white, right or wrong, left or right, 1 or 0, yes or no. Sometimes, life offers no middle-ground. In looking back at my weekend, where I hung out with my good friend Splash both nights and kind of just chilled out (after seeing Return of the King (for the fourth time, no less!!)), I realize that with him and many of my other friends, our friendships are pretty black and white as well. There's nothing overtly complex or gray about them. They're my friends. Great friends. Best friends. And I know the place they have in my life. For as strong and complex as relationships can be, the ones like mine with Splash are quite simple. Pretty black and white, really. I see the friendships I have for their true colors, and much like an amazing winter day, they are rich in how basic they are, rich in their blacks and whites. What a great thing. That's all for now. Sunday's playlist: 1. Justin Timberlake - Justified 2. Madonna - True Blue 3. The Very Best Of Cher 4. George Michael - Listen Without Prejudice Vol. 1 5. Tracy Chapman - Let It Rain P.S. Special thanks today to Riri for the shout out! |
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Art class was an interesting one on Thursday night. Our model, Cathy, seemed quite agitated during the first couple of quick poses. She kept complaining about how warm the room was and didn't stop moving or talking. I've drawn her before, and she's usually a very good model. She's difficult to draw, but a good model. Every time she moves her face even in the slightest way, it gets completely contorted and changes all together. I have a hard time drawing her at all, much less capturing her essence. But Thursday night, she just seemed off (or more off than usual, perhaps). She moved and twitched endlessly. The smaller drawings in this post on the left are the 10- and 20- poses she did for us. To me, they look like completely different people. Only a few minutes into the third pose (see smaller drawing on right below), which is usually hour and a half, she started complaining that she felt a migraine coming on. Within a few minutes, she was seeing spots and having tunnel vision. You could tell the poor woman was in complete agony. We told her that she didn't need to pose for us and she should go home and get some rest. It's amazing how quickly the migraine came about.
It's funny. Despite all of the drama that went on in class because of Cathy's health, we still continued to draw. The beat goes on, as they say, the beat goes on. I always seem to find a way to equate the things that go on in that art class with what's going on in my life. Thursday night, it just seemed to reinforce the idea that, much like these cold, dark, post-holiday January days and nights, we have to push on to keep going. If we just take the time and effort to actually take down the Christmas tree or work around the problem of a sick model, things can be good again. Sometimes these post-holiday blues or a quirky model can really drag me down if I let it. But things can be good again. They can get back on track. Now that my Christmas tree is down, the living room seems huge and comfortable again. I like it again. Once Rob decided to pose for us, I got a quick, but really accurate likeness of him. I got a drawing out of the class that I'm quite proud of, actually. It worked out quite well. Despite a cruddy situation, things move on. (As a side note, I think it's cool, that I have a good drawing of Rob in my sketch book now too. He's a great artist and extremely inspirational to me. That guy's a wealth of knowledge.) After class, we went out for margaritas, as usual. Life and art class seemed good again. January's not so bad after all. We had a beautiful snow fall last night, which I hope I got some good photos of this afternoon. The mornings are getting noticeably lighter and it's actually some light left in the sky when I get home from work now, too. The beat goes on. This post seems like a bit of a hodge-podge and has been less than fluid for me to write. But, I pushed on, and now have a post that I'm quite happy with. Things are good. More later. Saturday's playlist: 1. Madonna - Music 2. U2 - 7 3. Prince - Sign O The Times 4. Justin Timberlake - Justified |
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On my Thanksgiving post, I wrote about my dad's cousin Jerry who had a stroke the day before. One of his neighbors found him on his lawn hours after he'd had the stroke. Both of Jerry's parent's are long gone, he never had any siblings, and he never married or had kids. He laid alone in the hospital until late on Thanksgiving when my aunt and uncle, who are extremely close to him, found out where he was. He'd been in the I.C.U. since Thanksgiving. Because he has no immediate family, he spent much of that time alone. I guess my aunt and uncle have power of attorney over his will and were his "in case of emergency" contacts. But even though Jerry granted them that power, declared his closeness to them, he still spent much of his time alone. I think of my life. My single life. Being in my parent's dark house tonight when they were both gone gave me an icy chill. What's going to happen in my life? What if I remain single? I'm reminded that I have my brother and sister's family in my life, and that, hopefully, I'll never walk alone. Mom called me when they got home from the wake. I told her how bad I felt, knowing that he spent the last two months of his life all alone; that at 65, he had to spend his last days by himself; that at 65, he spent hours alone on the cold damp lawn after having a stroke. I couldn't shake that cursed feeling: could that be me in thirty years? But then mom shared with me the part of the story where the glass becomes half full tonight (coming from her, that's quite surprising). She said there were many friends at his wake. Friends who came from all around the state. From the sounds of it, Jerry loved people, and didn't spend much time at home. He was always doing things and spending time with the people he loved and cared about. When she said that, I thought back to my situation, and realized that I rarely walk alone. The alone time I do have I cherish. But I have so many good, close, interesting, funny, inspiring friends who I spend my off time with. Who I share my life with. Day after day. I've built up a web of relationships, many family, many more friends who have become family as well. As I get older, the relationships I have get stronger and more profound to me. I cherish the people in my life more each day, even if I rarely say it. The people in my life all have a place...all have a purpose in my bigger picture. I'm convinced that they've all come into my life for a reason. For a huge reason. Come what may. The news about Jerry is very sad to me, even though I've only met him handful of times. His story touched me, though, in a very significant way. His life touched me. I can rest a little easier tonight, though, knowing that it all wasn't in vain. I can find some peace knowing that he didn't live a life of solitude. I can rest knowing that he probably touched the lives of many people around him. I can rest knowing that I probably won't walk alone either. As I'm writing this, I have the Moulin Rouge DVD playing in the background. I keep hearing the critical line from that movie, resonating in my head: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." That's all tonight. :) Wednesday's playlist: 1. Music from the motion picture Moulin Rouge 2. Prince - Chaos And Disorder |
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G-TV
pt.II I'll have a real post later tonight. G
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Why I am doing this? Good question. To be perfectly honest, it's a bit weird. My friend Splash called me tonight after supper, and was telling me everything that I was doing, how I was sitting, etc. Being able to watch different aspects of my apartment when I'm not here is a weird (but very cool) concept. Knowing that my friends can watch me watch TV is an even weirder concept. Knowing that people I've never met before can watch me write this journal entry is an even more bizarre concept still. In one of my modern art classes in college, we studied performance art. That's what this feels like to me. It's almost this idea of putting even more of my life out there...being even more real. To me that's a surreal concept, one that really boggles my mind. It's almost as if I'm taking this one step closer to reality TV, except that there are no alliances, no gimmicks, no beautiful people, just me, my cat, the occasional friend who stops over, and this tiny little webcam that looks like a robot that belongs next to a Star Wars ship on one of my toy shelves. I've exposed my heart and soul in the pages of these journals and through my art, why stop there? I've always found an odd appeal to webcams, especially when I first had access to the internet. I guess they really appealed to the voyeur in me. I found an odd comfort in them at 3:00 in the morning, when the rest of the world was asleep. But does me putting this cam out there for you all to see appeal to the exhibitionist in me? I really can't say. It's weird being the one watched, being the one on the other side of the looking glass. Weird, but in a very cool, interesting, and thought-provoking way. Art for art's sake? Perhaps I'm doing this as much for myself as I am for all of you. Probably so. There's a part of me that just wants to make a statement. "Here's my life; I have nothing to hide." Here's what I look like in the morning. Here's what I look like after a workout. Here's me stuffing my face or being a lazy pig. Here's me jamming on my guitar, totally geeking out. I hope it just rounds out the picture, a bit, to who this G-Man character is that you've had the fortune (?? that's your call I guess!) to probe inside his deepest, most personal thoughts. I've had a few people tell me that they appreciate the honesty that I bring to this site. With this cam, I hope to add another level to that honesty. This is who I am. Perhaps this webcam will show you Gary, behind the curtain of G-Man. Give it a shot, if it's your thing. If not, no big deal either. I'll still be here. Am I totally crazy?? :) I have to give special thanks to my friend Mark, for getting my cam up and running for me! Mark has been crucial in getting my computer system running, my discussion board going, and now this webcam. Back in early 2000, he also introduced me to a relatively obscure file format called mp3. My hard drive has never been the same sense!! Thanks again Mark! Switched on, baby! Also, congrats to my friends Jason and Karin and the birth of their daughter, Claire Elizabeth. Little Zoe is adjusting quite well to her new sister, and Jason is adjusting just fine to being the only man in the house!! Congrats!! Tuesday's playlist: 1. Sarah McLachlan - Afterglow 2. U2 - Boy 3. Pink Floyd - Dark Side Of The Moon 4. The Very Best Of Sheryl Crow 5. Madonna - Remixed & Revisited |
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A Big
Idea That's Out Of Control Yesterday, I spent the day with my family, watching the Packers lose their chance to move on in the playoffs. I've never been a huge fan of football, but with games like yesterday's, I couldn't help but get caught up in the game too. I had to laugh, though, how upset the entire family got, even my sister, when the Pack slowly started pissing away their victory. Things were pretty tense, as they always are on Packer Sundays, but this seemed even worse. People were screaming, shouting, and cursing (I think Mom even let a few expletives slip!) which was enough to make my nephews crabby. They were crying and fighting too. Everybody was in a bad mood. As soon as the game was over, everybody stormed off and went home, disgusted. It wasn't the most relaxing day, that's for sure. I find it quite interesting just how worked up people can get with these games, as if the coaches can hear them from the other side of the TV, or as if there's some grand conspiracy against the Packers or something. Despite how foolish I think it all is, I too, was disappointed, and in no mood to blog about it last night either. :( Work today was fine. Busy and stressful, but 100% better than last week. It just seemed much easier going back today. The drive in was noticeably lighter (in my mind and stomach as well as actually coming through my windshield). I can't help but think that all of the discussion board comments from people over the past few days really seemed to help my perspective on things; they helped me readjust my attitude. It seems like I really struck a nerve with people too. It's something we all share. There's been a handful of occurrences where a post or two seems to spread wings and take off. Sometimes it's a hot button that I might press on people, but most of the times it seems like people kind of just relate to some of the things I'm talking about. After all, I'm really just writing about the human experience, which we all can relate too, on some level, I suppose. It fills my heart when I know that I've made people think. They seem to turn their thoughts and energies back at me, though, and the process almost feeds itself. I possibly considered the aspect of touching people's lives when I started this site, but I never considered that their lives would touch mine as well. What a cool thing to have happen! Damn cool! And it's just begun!! Tonight my friend Mark should be coming over to help me get my webcam up and running. This is going to add an entirely new dimension to this thing. I've got a big idea that's out of control! That's all for now. Monday's playlist: 1. The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band 2. Coldplay - A Rush Of Blood To The Head 3. John Lennon - The Plastic Ono Band |
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Going back to work after being off so long was quite difficult for me. How easy it is to get used to do nothing. And then to come back and have to spend a few days entrenched in the corporate world was quite a struggle for me. As I slowly go through this lifetime, I'm beginning to question more and more what I do and why I do it. What place do I have in the world? What place does it have for me? What's my calling? Obviously, I'm going through this journey because of my art which seems to be waking me up spiritually. With so much of this spirituality and creativity and art flooding my thoughts these days, the activities of the corporate world and work seem like less and less of a fit. Of course, the realist in me knows that, for the time being at least, I have to belong and be part of that corporate world so I can make a living and go through the journey in the other one. On the ride back from Chicago on Thursday, my friend Brandon and I had a nice chat about that ol' saying, living to work or working to live. We talked about our callings in life, and how sometimes, our finances may not come from that calling. The way we make our living shouldn't define who we are when we're around our friends and family or alone with our thoughts or God or our spirituality. The conversation with Brandon was a great transition to my art class later that night. It was a nice way to talk about work and the place it has in our lives, the place it has in the bigger picture. Conversations about true callings and our places here on earth are never a bad thing. It was a good way to put things back into perspective again, which I so needed to do. When I got home, I checked my discussion board for comments on the writings of the past week. The comments all spoke of the same things: find a place for the career, find that balance, but also, be happy to have a good job that I do enjoy. These comments from people meant a lot. My conversation with Brandon and the comments on my board really drove me to go to art class. Made me need to go to art class. After a week of hearing about objectives and commitments, challenges and initiatives, dedication and bottom lines, I needed to go to class, put my life in perspective, and accept my priorities. The model for class never showed up that night. Mike, the guy who runs the class, offered to pose for us. I'm happy that I have this drawing of him, to show all of you what he looks like, and to have it as a record in my sketch book of this man who was integral in my reconnecting with my art and myself. Mike is an incredible human being. He is a very old soul. He has a huge heart that just seems to emit warmth. His presence is actually calming to me. Mike has some very strong ideas and ideals. Many I disagree with, but he always gets me thinking. He's one of those people that I actually feel honored to have met in this lifetime. As Mike sat up there and posed for us for over 2 hours, the conversation in the room (which he took a huge part in) went from art to religion to music. And then it really took off. Again, the topic of our calling came up. We talked about ideas of death truly not existing and of us all being travelers of time and space. We discussed the power of the subconscious and the heart and how it guides us to become who we are and who we allow to be with us. We seemed to talk endlessly about religion, creativity, art, spirituality, destiny, meditation, existentialism, etc. The ideas had an ebb and flow to them; they seemed to effortlessly sway in and out of each other, almost guiding our drawings and paintings. Everybody's work was fantastic. It all seemed to capture the essence of the genuine human being in front of the classroom who had somehow brought an exceptional group of people together. He plays such a huge part in guiding our inspiration. Life, obliviously, is quite cyclical. My week started out bad and ended good. If you read the archives of this site, I bet there's probably even a pattern to the highs and lows. But I think life is very giving. I was feeling like a caged bird earlier this week, and it gave me the freedom to spread my wings. I was craving for conversation that spread beyond the Green Bay Packers and the organizational initiatives of my company, and I got it...hell, it flooded me, between the chat with a great friend (another genuinely good human being who I am honored to have known in this lifetime), the comments from my new friends via the web, and another outstanding art class. It's a wonderful thing to have so many people in my life who can inspire and carry me when I need it. :) On an unrelated note, last night I mustered up the energy to go out with my friends Splash and Dirk (tonight, I am staying in!!). It was a really fun night and another great way to relax after a stressful week. Rock out Splash, with your cock out (I promised him I'd say something like that). Also, check out the photography page of this site. I finally updated it was some photos of the Christmas season (a few of the pics were features in December posts). It's funny to see how the photography is really following, is really about, the change in the seasons. Hopefully tonight, I will be getting my webcam for this site up and running. G-Man Ink will now feature me, or at least my residence, 24/7. I really love this concept! Later. |
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Cell
Phones And Cigarettes The cynic in me could see that there was a still a lot of the corporate b.s. that drives me nuts; I soooo don't want to be part of all that. There were a lot of positive, reaffirming, trendy buzzwords thrown our way. There was ass kissing. There were agendas. And there were fake smiles. But the optimist in me hopes that there was also lot of truth, passion, dedication, and commitment in people too. After all, this is how I make my living. It's so hard for me, when so much of it seems to be a game. The cynic in me jotted this down about all of this a few years ago: "Cell phones
and cigarettes I don't think the game or the politics of it will ever go away. Not in coporate America. I have to remember that I have a good job and like the people I work with. The rest of the bullshit is for me to figure out and decide how much I will allow it to affect who I am. Do I live for my job or have my job to live? I'm beat because of this trip. The bus rides yesterday and today were over 4 hours each. I stayed up too late last night, partying with coworkers. Between all of this, and being locked in a cold conference room all morning really wears a guy out. But with all of this corporate speak and being inundated with the work environment for two days straight, I will somehow muster up the energy to go to my art class tonight and decompress. I need this art tonight to remind me about why I really live. More about this topic later. I got a few really good comments and had some good discussions with people the past few days because of the entry below. Later! |
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Crikey!! So much of getting ahead in this world seems to be about politics, mind games, ruthless self-promotion, and brown-nosing. It seems that pure hard work and dedication is no longer all it takes to get ahead in the world. Don't get me wrong; my job isn't that bad. Actually, I have it quite nice there. I get nice benefits, great vacation time, the pay isn't too bad, and the majority of the people I work with are very good friends of mine. Most of the time, my job is quite challenging and I work in a pretty casual environment. I'm sure it's probably better than a lot of jobs out there. Hell, these days, I should be happy that I just have a good and a good career. But I think regardless of where I'll be working next year, in 5 years, or in 10, there's always going to be that element of it being some type of corporate game. I sit in my cube, try to give these projects my all, and then realize that half of upper management doesn't know my name, despite my 10 years of service. No matter how much time and dedication...no matter how much of my life I give....in the end, I could be just a number to them if necessary. I've seen it before: "It's nothing personal, just a business decision." The years of employee or company dedication seem to be a thing of the past. As I try to give my job a piece of my self every day, as I'm sure do most teachers, constructions workers, developers, chefs, salesmen, policemen, clerks, etc., I question how much am I really worth? What is my soul worth? How much am I willing to sell out to get just to the next level...hell, to just make a living? Obviously, we have to work to get by. I need to work to not only buy my DVDs and CDs, but more importantly, groceries, clothes, heat, water, and toilet paper (and to make payments on the new car). But I question, what's the meaning of all of this? Why does life have to be like this? Where is the truth? What's the greater purpose? What's my purpose? What's exactly, is the point? At times, I feel like the business world is seriously just a big game of Life or Risk or Monopoly. There are days when it even feels more like Candy Land or connect the dots. There are so many times where I feel like I'm digging a hole one day and filling it the next. I feel like a dog chasing its tale. In the grand scheme of things, does it all really matter? Don't mind me too much today. I had another night where I wasn't able to fall asleep until past midnight. My body's internal clock is still messed up. My butt is paying for it today. Two unrelated stray thoughts: 1. I live near Green Bay, Wisconsin. The temperature was 15 degrees below zero when I left for work this morning. Winter has finally arrived. 2. When did baby dangling become the newest celebrity fashion? I knew the Crocodile Hunter was a wacko, but just never wacko like Jacko!! Crikey!! Back to work, the iPod playlists are back. Today's music: 1. Dido - Life For Rent 2. Sting - Sacred Love 3. Counting Crows - August And Everything After 4. Oasis - What's The Story Morning Glory? |
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Just
Like Starting Over |
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Since my vacation started, I haven't been to the gym either. It's kind of like once I no longer needed to be on my work schedule, the rest of my schedule was thrown out the window as well. I don't think there was a night that I haven't seen at least 2:00 am. It was nice, though, not needing to rely on a schedule or a watch, and being able to let things slide for a few days. But now I'm ready to get back on track again. I feel ready to get back to work, start working out again, and clean up this disaster area and try to get rid of some of the clutter. In a way, I'm excited to do all of this knowing I have the comforts of my new car. It's amazing to me, how much we can rely on a daily schedule and the comfort zone it has to offer. To be honest, I've been sluffing off on this journal the past few days as well, and need a little structure to get things back on track. My weekend was nice. It was very lazy during the days, but very busy at night. I've spent the past few entries talking about my journey in life and how I feel as though I'm changing. I tend to forget, though, that there are many others around me are going through their own unique journeys as well. On Thursday, I got an email from a close friend. She has decided to follow her heart, take a huge plunge, change careers, and go back to school. Her life is completely different from when she came back into my life a few short years ago. I can sense that she is growing and changing for the better each time I see her. On Friday, I went out with some friends who will be getting married this spring. They already have a daughter, but I'm beginning to understand how their journey together in life has just started. I think of my time hanging out with him, before his fiancee or daughter were in the picture, and realize how different his life is now, how rapidly it's changing and blossoming. They asked me to be an usher in their wedding, which I gratefully accepted. On Saturday night, I went out with another friend, who is dealing with a broken heart. He and and his girlfriend have come to different places in their journeys, and realized that they had to move on in different directions. They have been through this before and I have been there for him before. Sometimes people simply just need their friends. In talking with him last night, I can see the changes in his life in the past year or so. I realize how far he's grown. How far he's come. Today, I spent the day with my family over at my brother's place, watching the Packers beat the Seahawks in overtime and proceed in the playoffs. I see my brother with his new girlfriend, both in that very physical, very exciting and new time in their relationship. The wheels of change are working for the two of them as well. You can see it on their faces and in their touch. I've never seen my brother this happy. Change, obviously, is inevitable. Some days change more than others. Hell, some years change much more than others. There's so much of prevalent if I just take a look around me for a minute, and extend my gaze beyond my own life. I have a strong feeling that 2004 is going to be a year full of change; a very transitional year. I think will be a good thing for all involved. Make that change. P.S. Special welcome to Esther and her newly kicked off blog Essentially Esther. Esther is the mom of two of my favorite bloggers of late, John and Becky Strain, both who are awesome writers and have added some real meaning to this blogosphere for me. Thanks for the link to your site, Esther, and good luck! I look forward to reading your thoughts and getting to know you a bit more, no longer just via comments! P.P.S. Is it ironic that the drawing that I'm using in this post tonight, talking about change, is over 13 years old? |
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Well, this year was the first year that we decided to pass on the party. One of the other co-hosts of the party had a pretty busy year, lost a job, is searching for a new career, and is planning a wedding. Another one is expecting a baby any moment now. We decided to take a break this year, as things were getting just getting too hectic. The group that I usually get together with comes from all around the state. With no party this year, I decided to stay in the area, and spend the night with other friends, just for something different. Plans for the night quickly came my way from a couple different sources. I decided to go out to dinner with one set of friends, and then go to a party held by the others after. Dinner was nice with my friends. I always enjoy dressing up and going out for a nice meal. It was weird though, I really enjoyed myself with the couple friends that I knew, but other than that, felt like a stranger. That happens to me all the time as I meet new people, but I just wasn't really in the mood strike up conversations or get to know strangers. I could tell already, shortly into dinner, that I was missing my tradition, really missing the other group of friends. When I got to the other party, things were already in full swing. I knew most of the people there, with the exception of a few couples. Unfortunately, everybody but me and one other couple are all from the same area up north. They've known each other for a very long time. I was really beginning to feel like an outsider. Shortly after I got there, they all decided to play cards. The game they were playing is one I've never been able to understand, and have never really cared to play. When it comes to cards, it's just not my thing, so I don't do it. I would have much rather just sat around and talked. But the card games proceeded...and continued all night. I kind of just sat there, with a mellow, polite grin on my face. Slowly, though, I was coming down from the excitement that I felt from the night before from my art class. My grin was feeling more and more forced. Not only did I feel sad for not being around the normal group for New Years Eve, but I felt out of place in this one. Usually I'm a very chatty, sociable guy. But that night, I just didn't have it in me. I didn't feel like forcing a conversation with some drunk person I didn't know. Lot of times when I meet people, I feel like I ask all the questions, do all the talking, and genuinely try to get to know them. But they never seem to reciprocate back. Well, on New Years Eve, I just wasn't in the mood to do that again. Hell, I had a fuckin' great year! I wanted somebody to ask me about that for a change. I wanted some conversation with some real content. But it never happened. The new year rang in, and this is the first time since I can remember that I didn't hug and kiss anyone. I felt sad in the pit of my stomach. I stayed at the party another 3 hours, just kind of hanging out, being quite mellow. I didn't want to be alone on this night either. It seemed painfully obvious to me, that not being with the old group of friends was symbolic of how my life is changing, how I'm changing. But at that specific moment, it didn't seem particularity like a change for the better. It dawned on me, that in a lot of ways, my real New Years Eve party was the night before, with my friends from my art class over margaritas after an awesome class. That, I thought, was the epitome of my year and who I'm slowly becoming. I hesitated writing this post yesterday, because it seems quite negative to the group of friends that I spent New Years Eve with. I don't mean for it to sound negative or put them in a bad light, I'm just being honest with my thoughts. I spend a lot of time with many of them, and at times, do feel like a bit of an outsider. Much of it, though, I'm sure is totally of my own doing, who I'm becoming, where I'm going...I think that party just really accentuated everything for me that night. Yesterday I spent my day, for the first New Years Day that I can remember, not all tired and hung over like usual, but just moping around, feeling quite sad and depressed. This was the first New Years Eve in over 10 years that I slept in my own bed. But this is where the story takes a turn, and why I'm happy that I waited with my post. My friend called me up last night to see what I was doing. He asked why I was so mellow the night before. I kind of gave him a little white lie that my stomach was off because of dinner (and actually it was), and that I was just kind of in a mellow mood (which was true as well). The fact that he asked me what was bothering me spoke volumes to me. He invited me over, as a few of the other people from the party were there too. The couple that was there are people I've known a little longer and have done more things with. We just kind of sat around, watched both American Pie movies, relaxed, had a few drinks, and a few good laughs. It was a nice post script to the night before and how I'd been feeling all day. Last night, I almost felt was like my New Years Eve with that group, if that makes any sense. Last night, I really felt like I belonged again. I think the fact that the entire group all knew each other on New Years Eve, and were all well on their way to being shit-faced by the time I got there made it virtually impossible for me to infiltrate their group that night. Once the group dynamic that I'm accustomed to was around, I felt alright again. I thought about my three New Years Eve celebrations, and how perfectly they defined 2003 for me, but also, how 2004 will probably be as well. All three nights had moments of the great unknown. There were moments of newness and greatness, where my true excitement lies. Then there are moments where I can sense things are changing for me, where my priorities are changing, where I'm no longer willing to accept things how they are. But then there are the moments like last night, where things are comfortable, traditional, and feel really good, just like an old blanket, a heavy sweater, or chocolate chip cookies, right out of the oven. I have no real idea where 2004 will take me. I do know it will be about finding that perfect balance between the new me and the old me. I have a feeling it will be quite a journey. "What can you
see on the horizon? Happy New Year. P.S. Be sure to check out the archives. December 2003 was quite a month, with a real boom in creativity. When one door closes, another one soon opens. |
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If you any questions, comments, or requests, you can contact me at: |
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Check
Out This Mug
Ordinary
World
My
usual approach is to just to write about what I know, write about
my life. I tend to shy away from any real type of social commentary
unless it directly seems to affect my life. There's so many things
that go on just on the front page of Yahoo every day that I could
write about. But that's done to death in this blogoshpere everyday.
I
have to understand, of course, that there will be days that are
simply quite ordinary. A couple people commented on my 
I'm trying to find the beauty
that this winter has to offer, but, frankly, right now it's simply
kicking my ass. You'll have to excuse me as I go into whiny-boy
phase for a moment and go off on a tangent tonight. We got dumped
on again with more snow today, I had another drive home that
took twice as long as usual (I'm really loving my dependable
new car right now, though!), and another hour was spent shoveling
the driveway which I've noticed is already drifting over. Halfway
through shoveling, my good shovel bent right in half. God has
a wicked sense of humor, and I have to give him props for that.
The weather's only supposed to get worse tonight. Tomorrow morning
should be another treacherous drive in. You have to love winter
in Wisconsin.
The
Journey It Has To Offer
Webcams
and I.M. And Blogs, Oh My!
The
Live Feed
By
the time the program started this morning, we had way more people
than expected. We had to scurry around to find extra chairs.
Our body shop, where the event was held, was solid full of people.
It was invigorating. Originally, I was just going to pop my head
in the shop from time to time to grab a few photographs, but
in the end, I stayed out there the entire day, shooting well
over 300 pictures. It was a really cool program.
I
volunteered to help today. Even though I got paid for being there,
as it was really just a normal work day, I didn't have to do
this. I know that this will set my project load back a few days.
But maybe tomorrow I just have to give 'er a little bit harder.
After the past few weeks at work really being down on my job
and the corporate world, I just felt like, karmically, I needed
to help out to balance things out a bit. I really do believe
in what we do and I know I have a good job. I hate it when I
get so bitchy about work all the time. This was my subtle way
of making up for all of that.
Grand Ol' Uncle
Fran
Yesterday I spent spent
some time outside taking pictures of the newly fallen snow. The
few hours I was out there were cold, but the crisp, clean air
was breath-taking. I tend to forget how nice it is to be outside
on days like that, especially with my camera. It has to be one
of my favorite things to do in the world.
In
this starkness, though, there is a certainly beauty. I'm reminded
when looking through the roll of black and white pictures, that
winter is an extremely beautiful time, despite how chilling and
still it really is. There is something quite profound about being
outside on a snow covered day, when the chirping of birds is
at a minimum and the flow of any water has practically halted.
There's a loud silence when outside on a day that. A silent beauty.
I'm convinced you can actually hear the snow fall on days that
beautiful.
The
Beat Goes On
Last week, work was a bit
hectic and stressful, but things felt back to normal. Hectic
and stressful as usual. It felt good to be back in my routine,
though, and have a few deadlines to deal with and help me focus.
I'm
convinced that how she'd been acting earlier that night was because
of the migraine coming on. She probably felt like crap the entire
time under that bright light with us staring at her.
Because
of how the headache was affecting her vision, Mike, the guy who
runs the class, said he would give her a ride home. Rob, pictured
above, offered to pose for us for half an hour, and the class
continued. We just had to close things up ourselves.
I
Never Walk Alone
G-TV
It seems like after last
week, I really just needed the weekend to chill out a bit and
relax. Saturday I worked on this site for quite some time (always
relaxing to me) and then finally put my drawing table and chair
together. It's very cool and has quite a strong presence in my
computer room (which I should really have to start calling my
studio, btw). The graphic in this post is a quick 10-minute
self portrait that I just did to give the ol' table a test run!
Groovy baby.
Take
These Broken Wings
Today I was struggling through
yet another day at work, when I just got this overwhelming sense
of "What the fuck am I doing??! There's got to be more to
life than this." This team building trip to Chicago tomorrow
has been looming over me this week since I've been back. All
of this talk, all of these corporate buzz words: team building,
initiatives, objectives, challenges, sacrifices, etc....it just
seems like such horseshit at times. It's not just this job either;
I'm sure every job has its hypocrisies and inefficiencies, its
politics and policies. I had this dank feeling in the pit of
my stomach today, that I will be doing this...playing this game...regardless
of what company I'm with, for another 40 years unless I'm able
to retire younger.
Going back to work today
after being off for two weeks was pretty difficult. Last night,
I realized how messed up my sleep schedule was when I was still
tossing and turning at 1:30 am, from late night after late night.
Needless to say, 6:00 am came much quicker than I remembered.
It seemed darker and colder out this morning and the traffic
seemed thicker and dumber too. When I finally got back to work
and went through two weeks worth of emails, I had to force myself
to remember that these things had to matter again. Suddenly,
it was the ol' hustle bustle again, and life was no longer running
exclusively on my terms. A 1:00 meeting for this, interupted
by a 1:30 meeting for that, and an agenda for a team building
trip all seemed to be instant priorities that just days ago didn't
mean a hill of beans to me. Today my cubicle felt like a cage,
and 4:00 didn't come soon enough. It's funny, how suddenly, timelines
have to matter again. I came immediately home, skipped anything
that came close to resembling a workout, ate supper, and proceeded
to sleep until now. I'm still writing this is the fog of sleep,
and hope to be there again shortly. Hopefully, tomorrow will
be a tad bit easier. One day at a time.
Make
That Change
Grey
Ships Pass