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Monday's Playlist: Rufus Wainwright - Poses |
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But then I mentally backed up a bit. I can't completely undermine these mole hills, can I? Obviously, to be a functioning citizen, good employee, courteous neighbor, etc., we do have to sweat the small stuff, in way one or another. At least a bit. For me, it's a positive, defining character trait but also a tragic flaw. Finding that balance, seeing the forest for the trees, as they say, is always the struggle. After my workout (which is as much a physical workout as it is a way for me to mentally work out some of my shit), I realized that although I was justified to be upset for what was bothering me, I didn't have to be freaking out and having the meltdown that I was. After all, it wasn't the end of the world... We at the food from Until The End Of The World by U2 Thursday's Playlist: U2 - How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb |
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I think I told both sets of friends how good it felt to laugh again. Now life presents another interesting situation for me. One of my closest friends is moving to Arizona with his wife and kid for an awesome job opportunity. I am very saddened by the thought of his departure. Everything about it makes sense, though, and I am happy for the opportunity that he and his family will have. It does still suck though, that he will be moving away. At times, it really has me bummed out. In the past, I've always been lousy at long-distance friendships. I've never been good at maintaining them, really putting the effort into it. But when I think of the first group that I mentioned, those are all long-distance relationships. Thanks to emailing, chat rooms, blogs, and cell phones, it doesn't seem like there's any time or distance between. When I look at it, these things do take a bit of effort to maintain, but with these friends, it doesn't feel like work. I have a good friend in Minneapolis, who I probably am in contact with as much as with my friends from around here. Again, it doesn't feel like work. It doesn't feel like distance. My friend Vicki lives in Madison, a couple hours away. Whenever we talk, it's as if no time has passed. Some things transcend physical distance, I suppose. When I think about it, where my friends at home are concerned, it's as much of a challenge, if not more of a challenge, to stay in contact with and not take advantage of the friendships. But it's amazing, just by realizing I'd been a recluse, how easy it was to get back in the fold, back in the swing of things again. When I email these friends, I feel good. When I call them on the phone for stupid little shit, I feel good. Again, an effort is required but it certainly doesn't feel like work. So even though I'm upset about my friend moving away soon, and even though I know things will never be completely the same, I do know that if the friendship is worth a hill of beans, it will survive. Being such a techie guy, and thanks to blogs, chat rooms, email, and webcams, the friendship will continue, despite the distance. Amazingly enough, those friends can be there for me, no matter how near or far. Thanks to technology, the world can be a very small place if we allow it. It's much easier to survive with a little help from my friends... So tonight, feeling better than I did last night, I challenge all of you to email a friend, "just to say a quick hello." Later! Wednesday's Playlist: Alanis Morisette - iTunes Originals P.S. Both pictures tonight were initially meant for other posts. The first picture is from my friends Jim and Linda's wedding last fall. That wedding was one of the best times I've ever had. It was certainly the most meaningful wedding I've ever been to; I'm not sure if I've ever felt more appreciated or loved. The other picture is of me and my friend Splash on Halloween, as Gilligan and the Skipper. These were our half hour costumes that ended up kicking ass! We had a blast that night and our costumes were a big hit. Both of these images seemed priceless to me, so I'm glad tonight I found a place to finally use them! |
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But tonight I stopped over at parents after work. The pharmacist changed Dad's meds from what they were using to a generic brand. This shouldn't affect Dad at all, but it has. For the past week or so, it's as if he's back to square one again. He's sluggish, kind of out of it, and depressed again. Once he gets his new patch applied (every-other night) he's fine; but the hours leading up to that are hell. It's like he's a goddamn junkie. I saw him tonight just break down and weep for over an hour. That's how it was this past summer. I forgot how bad things were. I forgot how much things had been evening off, how much progress had been made, how much more like himself he'd been. But now we're back to square fuckin' one again. When he breaks down like he did, he doesn't want me there. He doesn't want me around. I understand how he feels, wanting to be alone, but it tears me up inside. I don't know how I can help. I feel helpless. Why couldn't I just be happy for one damn week? Why couldn't the good news about my sister be what's on my heart and mind for just a few days? Why is it always something? Fuck. So, that's all for now. I'm gonna shut my mind down for the night and finish up the Kill Bill movies that my friend loaned to me. I don't mean to be such a downer, folks.... Tuesday's Playlist: 1. Allison Kraus and Union Station - Lonely Runs Both Ways 2. Howard Shore - The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring 3. Howard Shore - The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers 4. Howard Shore - The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King |
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Carson's
Thoughts On Creativity "I think there's a certain thing in creative people -- and I'm not a psychiatrist -- but I have found that people who are in the creative end of entertainment are not normal by most standards, whatever 'normal' means. That is, as Margaret Sullavan said, 'It's not normal to walk out and bare your soul to a bunch of strangers, that's not a normal thing for someone to do.' Most people find that very awkward, and entertainers do it." "I think people who are creative, in the arts, also seem to have larger appetites for life than most people, to excess usually. Whether it be drinking, whether it be sex, whether it be anything, the appetites seem to be larger. I don't know why, but they seem to be that way. And with writers too -- most of them don't seem to be terribly happy people, whatever that means. Because I guess you are always in a way trying to prove yourself, and as an entertainer, you're always in front of an audience. People say you're only as good as your last performance." There have been times when I've felt only as good as my last creation! And, yeah, I am always trying to prove myself, at the very least to myself. Wow. Thanks Johnny! That's all for now. My headache seems to be going away.... Wednesday's Playlist: Kelly Clarkson - Breakaway |
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Of course, Valentine's Day lingering in the background never seems to help either (Fuckin' holiday!!). There are many times when I talk to people, and seem to only concentrate on the negative aspects of my life: why it sucks being single, how I wish I didn't still rent this place, how I want kids someday, etc. I have so many great things going, but somehow get lost in the things in my life that don't feel right. I have a good job, good friends, a wonderful family, a shitload of talent, and more hobbies than I have time for. I draw as much as possible. I love to write in this thing a couple hours a night. I shoot photographs whenever I remember to fully charge my camera. I love movies, DVDs, and pop culture trivia. I am obsessed with music. And even the past few months, I've gotten into running and working out. I've become a gym guy. I consider myself an artist, writer, photographer, movie and music buff, and, yeah, even a gym guy. But yet, for some reason, I get hung up on the things in my life that don't feel right. I get hung up on the things that I somehow turn into negatives. And in all practicality, I turn them into negatives merely because I gauge them according to other people's lives. Other people's circumstances. Instead being happy and excited for all the positives I have in my life, I get lost in the bad. That's no way to live my life. This is one area in my life that I have to try to change. I'm working on the physical aspects of myself that I am unhappy with and slowly seeing results. Today I noticed I'm at the smallest notch on my belt, with room to spare! Over the past few years, I've been cultivating the artistic side of my life, mining the riches my soul has to offer. Once again, I'm seeing tremendous personal results, which have been deeply fulfilling. But I have to get over getting so down on myself. I can't get like I did last weekend. I can't allow myself to get lost in the darkness, especially in all of the silly things that I see as flaws in this life of mine that, in many ways, is amazingly rich. Of course, that's easier said than done. I wonder if I'm alone in all of this self-doubt?? Tuesday's Playlist: Rufus Wainwright - Rufus Wainwright |
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When I think about it, that age-old saying, "The best things in life are free," is a crock of shit. Any relationship I've ever had worth a hill of beans has required some type of work. The greater the love, the greater the compromise, the greater the emotional cost. In my family life, as I learn a thing or two about unconditional love, I'm beginning to realize how much work, frustration, sacrifice, and constant attention that type of love needs. But the return on the investment always pays off. The intangibles in our lives don't have a monetary value. Happiness isn't worth x dollars and love isn't worth y. But saying those things are free is so incredibly off the mark. Can one place a dollar amount on the lives of their children? The love of their family? The laughter of good friends? Of course not. But by saying those things are free, those best things in life, completely diminishes their value. To equate something as being free is saying that it has no value. Love, compassion, laughter, our souls, are all intangibles that have a value beyond our comprehension. The best things in life are absolutely priceless, but certainly not free. In order to make the best things in our lives happen, takes an incredible investment. Making an emotional investment in life, in the intangible forces that make our lives worth living, has an extremely high cost. Dealing with love, laughter and tears, and sickness and health, is the ultimate investment. But it will wield incredible profits. (And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make??) Ironically enough, this post came easy to me tonight! :) That's all for now. Monday's Playlist: 1. Ray Charles - Genius Loves Company 2. U2 - How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb |
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My mind and heart are going in a thousand sad and lonely places that they no right to be. Once again, a few lyrics seem to say what I'm feeling better than I can. Jesus Tell me Wake up from Wake Up Dead Man by U2 I gotta get out of this funk I'm in right now, but I don't know if I can do it all alone. Unfortunately, that's exactly how I'm feeling these days. |
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New
Adventures In Hi-Fi Thanks iPod (His name, by the way, is G-Man Music)!!! Friday's Playlist: Willie Nelson and Johnny Cash - VH1 Storytellers Live |
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I've always loved music. With the onslaught of digital music, its completely feasible to get my hands on any music I want. There was a time, back when I was totally into Paula Abdul, that my musical tastes were quite limited. I was all about Top 40 and MTV. But as MTV plays less music each year, and with the creation of the iPod, radio's relevance has become non-existent to me, I still seek out new music. Perhaps because I no longer limit myself to Top 40, MTV, or VH1, I'm able to accept music for just being music, detached of all labels. I remember when I first moved back home from college. I borrowed a Vince Gill Christmas CD from my mom. I listened to it in secret because it was -- gasp -- country. On a few songs that just seemed too country, I made a point to never listen to them. It was as if enjoying something with a fiddle and a banjo was going to send me straight to the sheep pen. At some point, though, I remember actually allowing myself, hell, giving myself permission, to listen to and enjoy some types of country music. It's amazing, the silly rules I applied to my musical enjoyment. Once I allowed myself to have no limits to what I listen to, the collection grew exponentially. I'm at well over 1,000 CDs these days, and the collection continues to grow. As I get older, I'm finding more pleasure and wonderful surprises in listening to the unknown. I realize how fascinating it is that there's so much unknown music out there, that I just haven't discovered yet. There was a time in my life right out of college, where I didn't own a single Beatles CD. Now I have them all. I also have multiple Paul, John, and George discs (sorry Ringo). In 10 shorts years, all of that music has found a place into my heart and is part of the soundtrack of my life. These days, I'm really into Allison Kraus, Johnny Cash, and my new discover, Willie Nelson. Yeah, all on the country side of things, at the moment anyway. But who cares? In the past few months I've also been introduced to Ben Folds and Rufus Wainwright. I can't imagine that I've been without them in my collection for this long. I wonder what my next big find will be... Wednesday's Playlist: 1. Paula Abdul - Spellbound 2. Willie Nelson - Spirit 3. Alicia Keys- Songs In A Minor 4. The Beatles- 1967 - 1970 (disc 1) 5. U2- Please |
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Last night, I had a horrible nightmare that I know stemmed from all of this. I can tell myself things will be fine, but deep down inside I am worried too. But as I said, hopefully all will be fine. I just hope my sister doesn't drive herself crazy while waiting. That's all for tonight. Tuesday's Playlist: 1. Elton John - Greatest Hits 1970 - 2002 disc 2 2. U2 - How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb |
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2004 was like that for me in many ways. I went to three funerals, but stood up in three weddings. Professionally, I found much frustration, but personally, my art thrived, obtaining new levels I wasn't aware I could achieve. While things with my family felt hopeless and full of despair, socially, I was off to three concerts, and multiple bachelor parties, one even taking me to San Diego. No matter how dark things felt at home, there were two little boys who always keep smiles on our faces. Whenever loneliness crept into my sight, new friends would appear. For as dark and dreary as 2004 was, I found bright new colors in my life. There was always something to compete with the darkness, reminding me that life is going to be alright. Even now, during this difficult time, I find myself taking that angst and doing my damnedest to somehow spin that negative energy into something positive. On those days where I don't feel like going to the gym, or just feel like giving up, I let my dad's disease be the reason why I have to work out. Many of his health problems were ones my grandfather also had, making me a prime target. I'm going to get healthy despite Dad's disease. On those nights when I feel completely down and out, I turn to this writing or my art, and force myself to dig deep, find real expression, and transfer that pain into something of beauty. I see a certain aggression in most of my newer works. But I've transferred that aggression into an exploration of color, shape, and light. It's amazingly cathartic. It's as if the worst in me is bringing out the best. I'm gonna say that again: The worst in me is bringing out the best. Through all of this, a very spiritual side of me sees this as part of the whole ying-yang concept. But another side of me, the media-savvy part, thinks of that old Seinfeld episode, where as Elaine loses her job, George gets his dream job. They realize Jerry is their Even Steven. He's usually the guy right in the middle, neither up nor down, while George and Elaine always balance each other out. He even throws a $20 bill out the window and then finds $20 in the pocket of his jacket that he thought he had lost. "See," he says to Elaine, "Even Steven!!!" During these rough times, I may have to force myself to be that Steven guy. In order to survive these dark times, to still be standing when this is all said and done, I have to remember the positives that I have in my life. If I can do that, I won't feel so much the victim and be able to get through this. Perhaps the darkness will out-weigh the light at times. Life is far from fair. But life is also full of good. For every crummy winter we have, a beautiful spring is just around the corner. That is just the natural order of things. So despite the pins and needles that my family is currently walking on, I'll still gladly take that $600. See, Even Steven. Monday's Playlist: 1. The Beatles - Abbey Road 2. Ben Folds - Rockin' The Suburbs 3. Elton John - Greatest Hits 1970 - 2002 disc 1 |
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All of this lead me thinking about our perspective on life. During the moment, it's usually impossible to see things for what they're worth or what lies ahead. When my co-worker's wife passed away a few months ago, one of the things I told him when he got back to work was that I wished there was a way we could see the future. Somehow or another, we all manage to survive. Every situation somehow resolves itself, for better or for worse. With time, even with the most horrifying situations, the pain goes away, or at least becomes manageable. Life has to go on. I've got a few instances going on in my life right now that I wish I could conjure up the magic eight ball and find out how they're going to resolve themselves. Everything with Dad seems so unknown yet. What will all become of this? How will he deal with this as a life-long disability? Will life ever get back to normal? Late last week, my sister went to the doctor for a normal checkup. He found a lump in her throat that needed an ultrasound, biopsy, and blood work. The results were supposed to show up Friday but never did. I wish we could just see the future, and then deal with things. As it stands now, our minds are going a hundred different dark directions, in places they may not have to go. The results will come back and this may be nothing at all. For now, that's what we have to tell ourselves. We will find out soon enough. But until then, I just wish I could see how this thing will pass, just so my sister and the rest of my family can deal with it and go on with our lives. This is one of those unknowns in life that's so fuckin' scary at the moment, and may be nothing at all. There are many other situations in my life, hell, I'm sure in everybody's lives, that are somehow so completely unresolved. When those situations frustrate me, I have to remember that all things will pass, given time and space. Life somehow resolves itself. I have to think of this drawing, and how at with time and a new perspective, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. That's all for now. "All Things Must Pass" by George Harrison Sunrise doesn't
last all morning All things must
pass Sunset doesn't
last all evening All things must
pass All things must
pass Now the darkness
only stays at the night time All thing must
pass |
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Open Water is a low-budget movie that came out last summer. It's about a young couple on vacation who get left behind on a diving expedition, drifting away in the shark-infested ocean. It was a uniquely slow-paced movie, entirely about these two characters and what they go through. I'm just blow away and creeped out in a big way. I haven't been this disturbed by a movie since I saw The Silence of the Lambs. The movie was shot entirely on digital handycams. It had the atmosphere of watching somebody's home movies which went entirely wrong, kind of a Blair Witch type of thing. The camera is bobbing up and down with the current of the ocean the entire time, really hitting home the feeling of "Oh my God, I'm lost and floating in the middle of the ocean." I still feel like I'm bobbing up and down, much like the day after sailing. That physical feeling alone is keeping the psychological aspects of this film in the foreground of my mind this morning. Without getting into too much of the rest of the plot, as to not ruin it for anybody, all I can say is the entire time I was watching it, I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to escape the disturbing, unpleasant situation. This has nothing to do with the quality of the movie. From the moment the characters got stranded, I submerged myself with those characters. I couldn't imagine what I would do if that happened to me. I would go out of my mind. The whole psychology the movie, being left behind, drifting aimlessly in the middle of the ocean with hundreds, probably thousands, of sharks below, just really, REALLY got to me. What do you do, when you are floating away in the ocean all day, with no land in site? What do you do with the onslaught of complete darkness with the threat of night? What do you do when the sharks start ramming into your legs? Man... I've never been a fan of the Freddie or Jason movies. To me they're very silly and completely unrealistic. But Open Water, or at least the concepts behind it, could entirely happen. That's what started fucking with my head. With this movie, Silence of the Lambs, and The Blair With Project, the real culprit is the horror that our mind can conjure up. It's the unknowns, the things that are never seen, that pull you under, making you want to climb out of your skin. To me, that's what makes a scary movie, not some gory special effect. I'm sure this movie isn't for everyone. The pace is slow, the editing style (done on a FinalCutPro system, by the way, which I'll be getting on my new computer!!) is very different, and music is sparse. But it felt so real. Maybe that's why I liked it so much. I literally felt like I was being pulled under with this mind-fuck of a film. I know this feeling is going to haunt my dreams for awhile. I'm still freaking out. And I still feel like I'm floating.... |
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Which
Way The Wind Will Blow Who's to say
where the wind will take you from Kite by U2 Why is everything always so damn complicated? That's all for now. Wednesday's Playlist: Ben Folds - Rockin' The Suburbs |
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In situation #1, I shared the truth, as ugly as it was. "This is what's going on, this is what people think." Because the perceptions were all based on lies and hearsay, after much consideration, I realized there was no harm in sharing the truth, to protect a friend. At times, I'd personally rather be told the harsh truth, no matter how dark and ugly, just so I can be proactive and deal with things. After dealing with this scenario, I was happy and proud of myself for doing so. The truth shall set you free! Its seems to me, that sometimes, we need to made aware of the depths of our darkness before we accept the dawn. Situation #2 was a different story. I was proposed with a question of the "Do I look fat in this?" magnitude. There are times, when no good can come out of sharing the truth, sharing the darkness, and spreading the insults. Or can something positive come out of it? We seem to be a culture so hung up on niceties, political correctness, white lies, and disingenuous politeness, that everyone will tip-toe around the obvious, ignoring the elephant sitting in the back of the room. I've always hated that moment of shocking revelation when my zipper was open, and an onlooker just says "Well, I didn't want to embarrass you." Yeah, thanks for the heads up. I suppose ones approaching to these embarrassing moments is key. In situation #2, I'd have expose somebody to an ugly trait of theirs and a general unpleasant opinion about them. Is this person really ready for the truth? I initially skirted the issue, told a blatant lie really, to avoid the uncomfortable confrontation that would follow. But in thinking about it, I did I the equivalent of not telling this person that their zipper was open. In retrospect, I think that person deserves the truth. Situation #1 is much different than #2. In them both, I think honesty is the best policy. Yeah, in situation #2, this person may have to face some ugly truths about themselves, or at least the unpleasant impression that others have about them. But if it's presented in the right way, can't people learn and grow from their mistakes and weaknesses? I wish society would do a little bit more of this instead of accepting excuses and the lowest common denominator as the rule instead of the exception. Perhaps the sunrise wouldn't look so bright if we didn't have to deal with the onslaught of night. I know if it was me, I'd want somebody to let me know. I'd appreciate some comments on this one, people, I apologize for being so vague. That's all for now! |
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The days are noticeably longer. Leaving work when it's still light out does wonders for my mood. The sky doesn't feel quite so cold and harsh, even on those below zero Wisconsin mornings. At work, I changed cubicles, really only mere feet, on the opposite side of a cube wall. But I'm on a different side of the room, and my workspace is a mirror image of its previous self. It's a welcomed change of pace. The traffic in my new cube has greatly increased too; it's as if I've started a new job or something. I'm amazed at how much just a minor physical change can really make things feel so completely different! I've also been writing in this thing almost on a daily basis again, too. In this regard, it was less a change and more of a recapturing of existing positive behavior. I can tell that it's made all the difference. I'm sleeping better and my head feels clearer. I realize that when I don't allow myself to be expressive, I just want to curl up and die. The biggest change for me has been the concentration on my work out. Last week I started weight training, and I can feel the difference. With all of this attention I've brought to my workout, I've noticed that my diet is slowly changing now as well. I got on the scales tonight in the lockerroom and am down four pounds since January 5th or 6th!! In a way, that seems insignificant, but yet, that's a pound a week. I feel like I've reached one small goal. With working out, it has to broken down into small achievable goals; I'm on my way. I'm prepped for the new me. With the few subtle changes in my life in the past 31 days, I feel like things are changing, like I'm changing, for the better. I've started the new year off in a positive light. Happy February! Tuesday's Playlist: 1. The Matrix Reloaded - Original Motion Picture Soundtrack 2. Joe Cocker - Heart And Soul 3. Ben Folds - Rockin' The Suburbs 4. Stephen King - The Gunslinger: The Dark Tower disc 1 P.S. To the January archives... When one door opens... |
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If you any questions, comments, or requests, you can contact me at: |
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Until The End Of
The World
With
A Little Help From My Friends
The
following night, I saw a few of my other friends, mainly my friend
Splash. Splash lives close by and I usually see him all the time.
But in the past few months, somehow or another, we didn't see
each other at all. Just hanging out again, like old times, was
a breath of fresh air. We watched TV, listened to music, talked
shit, surfed the internet, and just chilled. Nothing major, but
in a lot of ways, absolutely important. Over the past few months,
I'd become a bit of a recluse. I didn't realize how badly I needed
to see those friends of mine, until I actually spent time with
them, reaping the benefits of their time and presence.
Square F'in One
Lost
The
Best Things In Life Aren't Free
Lonely
Hearts Club
Radio
Ga-Ga
Holding
Pattern
Even
Steven
All
Things Must Pass
Going
Under
Darkest
Before The Dawn
Sunrise,
Sunset