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It was another long day, but there was much more progress done on the CD project. I'm exhausted but in good spirits. Everything's coming together. I can finally see the light at the end of this tunnel. I'm lucky this project is something I have an interest in. I love music. I'm so pumped that in a few weeks, I'll have a CD on my shelf that has my name on the inside. "Artwork and graphic design by..." My website address is even in the linear notes. How cool is that? I'm amazed at how it seems like nothing else in my life exists right now expect for this CD. It's like I'm stuck in some continuous loop or something. It's almost like the movie Groundhog Day. I get up, go to work, work on the CD, work on this website, watch Family Guy, fall asleep on the couch, get up, go to work.... I'm looking forward to the completion of this project. It's going to be one of those deals where I'll wonder what I did with all of my spare time before the project. That's all for now. Time for the Family Guy, then go to sleep.... Wednesday's Playist: 1. Rufus Wainwright - Want One 2. U2 - Elevation Live From Boston 3. Prince - Musicology |
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(Strawberry)
Blonde Ambition The project is going well. Each day, a few more details are getting nailed now. My goal is to ship this thing off to the printer on Monday, which means I may be seeing more of this view over the weekend, possibly both days. Even though things are going well, there's lots of little "putzy" things to finish up. Each day, as it's becoming closer to final, it's looking more polished and better than the day before. Between this project and a heavy workload at my job, I'm quite ready for a vacation. Things at work aren't going bad, I not grumbling that I hate my job or anything; they're just really busy for me right now. In May, I've got vacation scheduled for almost every Friday. I'm a firm believer of taking time to recharge the ol' batteries. If I can make it through the rest of April, May should be a full and really fun month. The next few days will be busy and long. Almost everyday over the past few weeks, I've spent at least 12 hours staring at my workstation. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep up this pace. Things at home are beginning to crack. My workouts have been cast aside. I can't find time to get to the bank. Laundry, dishes, and mail are piling up. My house is a filthy mess. I'm running low on groceries, toothpaste, hair gel, time, and sleep. No matter when I get home from work, I still stay up until at least midnight. It's as if I need a certain amount of time to just let my mind chill out, far away from the screen of a computer. I remember many years ago, when I first started my job. My friend Mark designed our first website. On the bottom of the homepage, he had two logos: one that said "Made with Apple," and the other said "Powered by Diet Coke." I chuckle to myself when I think back to those times. Diet Coke seems to be my drug of choice these days and the only thing getting me through the end of this project! Maybe that's why I seem so happy the past few days and actually have lots of energy. Perhaps that explains the wave that it feels like I'm on. But behind this mask of energy and vitality, I know I'm secretly frayed, fried, and burned out. Hopefully, this blind ambition can carry me through to the weekend and the end of the month. That's all for now. Time for some TV. As all of this work keeps me tied to my computer, the music keeps chugging on. Tuesday's Playist: 1. Rufus Wainwright - Want One 2. U2 - Wide Awake In America 3. Sheryl Crow - Sessions @ AOL EP 4. Sarah McLachlan - Live Acoustic EP 5. Sarah McLachlan - The Freedom Sessions 6. Madonna - American Life 7. Janet Jackson - Damita Jo 8. Johnny Cash - American IV: When The Man Comes Around |
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I know that I'll be running mainly on adrenaline this week, somehow finding the energy to get this done. I'm already running on empty. I know that deep in my bones, I'm exhausted and need a few days off from all of this. But for now, I have to keep pushing. It seems like when the art in my life gets cranked up, there's little time for sleep. Sleep gets in the way and cramps my style. There are times in my life, when my art purely defines who I am. This is one of those times. I feel like I'm on this artistic crest, riding a wave of inspiration. I felt like this a few times in high school, all through college, and now it's coming back, growing every day. It's becoming my air and my nourishment. It's beginning to define who I am again. It makes me feel different. It makes me feel special. This is a great time in my life, one so necessary right now with everything else that's going on. That's all for now. This dog is beat and his new Rolling Stone showed up in the mail today. Later. Monday's Playist: 1. Rufus Wainwright - Want One 2. Crash Test Dummies - God Shuffled His Feet 3. George Harrison - All Things Must Pass 4. Madonna - Ray Of Light 5. Madonna - Music 6. Madonna - American Life 7. Natalie Mercant - Ophelia 8. U2 - 7 |
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After lunch, we continued with the Rembrandt show. In the end, we only gave ourselves about an hour to see the rest of the museum. We were practically running through galleries of art from all different eras, seeing so many of my favorite paintings and artists' work. We stopped at the Vincent Van Gogh section to see his self portrait. My colleagues gave me the ultimate compliment that his style, Van Gogh's style, was much like my own. Wow! It's amazing to see these influences creep into my own work. Yesterday was an artistic overload. I got home last night around 11:30. I was beat. I'd been up since 4:00 and on my feet all day. But I didn't want to fall asleep. I felt so invigorated and connected with the art history of the past. My mind was fluttering. Regardless, sleep took me fast. Last night, I'd bet that I had visions of sugar plumbs, or perhaps haystacks, dancing in my head. The art history of the past may have guided me to sleep, but the graphic design of my present was the focus of my morning. Early today, I showed my friends the artwork for their CD, Never Been A Rebel, for the first time. There wasn't a lot of chit chat when I got there. They were as anxious to see the artwork as I was to show them. I was surprised how nervous I was when I presented the different pieces to them. My face was bright red. I know I talked long and fast, explaining why I did what I did, almost justifying each action. They seemed genuinely pleased. Beth told me it turned out better than she could have imagined. My friend Jon (the road manager for the band) commented that it looked better than most of the CDs in the stores today. Again, wow! Other than a few minor tweaks to a few minor details, everything was perfect and dead on. I still have much to do on the design this coming week. There's much to finalize. This week will probably be as intense as last with many more late nights of design. But feeling so rejuvenated, so invigorated, I can't wait to get back to the ol' drawing board. This artist can't wait to get back to the work at hand. This weekend was a complete saturation of art. It's funny how one day was all about fine art done from a guy who lived from 1606 to 1669, while the other was about doing work for a rock band on my Macintosh computer. Somehow, though, both days seem to perfectly fit into my life as an artist. They fit in with who I am and who I'm becoming. It was a great weekend; one of the best in a long time. That's all for now. Today's music: Rufus Wainwright - Want One |
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Stock
Options Initially, I grimaced at the idea. With just relation alone, there could be well over 50 people at this thing. Dad has six siblings, Mom has nine. On my mom's side alone, I'm the oldest of 22 or 23 grandchildren. A party like this won't be cheap. I've got those three weddings that I'm standing up in this summer. That translates to three bachelor parties (one out of state), three hotel stays, three wedding gifts, three tuxedos, etc. In May, it's the onslaught of birthdays and Mother's Day. My sister's birthday is May 2, my brother's is May 12, and mine is May 13. The money tree isn't producing as quickly as I need it to. My special account that I'm trying to save up for a new computer is going to be tapped out before I know it. The new computer keeps getting pushed back. But my sister made a good point. After all the shit that's already gone on this year, why should we wait for them to be married 35 years? Can't a few sacrifices be made? Mom and Dad could use a party right now; hell, the entire family could. We never know what tomorrow brings, so why wait? I've decided that the computer can be pushed back another month or two if need be. In the end, it's only a computer. These weddings are going to be awesome this summer; I wouldn't miss them for the world. In the grand scheme of things, when I'll look back at 2004, aren't they much more important than a computer? Having a surprise party in July would mean the world to Mom and Dad. Isn't that more important than a computer as well? These memories last m lifetime, the computer will be obsolete in three years. We all see so damn many hardships every day. With this war in Iraq, we're all seeing more pointless deaths on the news each day. I think of my friend's brother dying late last year in Afghanistan. I think of my another one of my sister's friends whose brother died in a horrible accident last summer. I see how quickly her friend's mom passed away. Just like that, life can change. For as dark as this post may seem, I'm looking at things from a positive side. With all of this gloom around me and my family right now, I realize that there are other families who have it a lot worse. There are many families out there who don't have each other anymore or never did. Tonight, I'm taking stock in how good I have it, despite this rough phase I'm going through. I have two amazing nephews who have taught me more about myself and the love I'm capable of feeling. I have both my parents who I see on a regular basis. As I get older, I'm beginning to understand their love for me and mine for them. I feel it changing and growing. I feel love. I have both of my siblings as well, who I talk to all the time. I'm not as close to my brother as I am with my sister, but I have no animosity toward him. We'll always be there for each other. And as time goes on, I get closer and closer to my sister. I feel damn lucky. As I sit here writing this, home alone on a Friday night, I actually feel lucky that I had to turn friends away tonight and tomorrow because of other plans. As much as I want to go out with my buddies, I know I better stay in since I have to get up at 4:30 to leave for Chicago. As much as I want to go to a friend's party tomorrow afternoon, go out with other friends tomorrow night, and see other friends play in their band, I'm going to the Art Institute instead, with other friends to satiate my art needs. The fact that I have four options tomorrow, that I quadruple booked my day, makes me feel happy, proud, and luckily that I had the solid groups of friends in my life that I do. Despite the fact that I'm still single at 32, when I take stock in my friends and family, the positives far outweigh any negatives. How great is that? I'm not feeling bummed out or depressed at all on this Friday night, even though thoughts of life, death, and mortality have crept into this post. I'm feeling lucky. Like a lucky son of a bitch. And what a good way to end my week. :) Friday's Playist: 1. Prince - The Hits 1 2. Prince - The Hits 2 3. Prince - Musicology |
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Hitting
My Stride After working another night waaay late on this thing, my friend Mark and I grabbed a bite to eat at iHop (of all places), and shot the breeze for a few hours. A very well-needed winding down. I'm ready and looking forward to my Chicago trip on Saturday. Hopefully after next week, I'll take a few days off of work to decompress. That's all for now, though; it's time to continue my Family Guy DVD marathon and veg for awhile before the necessity of sleep kicks in. :) Today's music: Prince - Musicology |
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The past few weeks at work, I've really felt swamped. Things just keep piling up with no relief in sight. Today, it felt like everybody wanted a little piece of me. Most days I can handle it, today it was just irritating and frustrating. There are times when I feel like I'm running a marathon and it never stops. No matter how fast I run, the race never ends. But that's just work... After work, I checked in on Dad. He's been having a rough few days with the pain in his feet again. He said it hurts as bad as it did when he was originally diagnosed. He's getting frustrated and depressed because he thought he was making progress. I just hate seeing my father in pain and feeling helpless. Everything's that's been going on with Grandma has obviously getting to Dad as well. Over the weekend, Dad slowly figured out that one of my cousins may be stealing from Grandma's house. She hasn't even been in the home for two weeks, she's not even dead, and the fight for her belongings begins. This news sickens me to the core. I pray to God it's not true. How does a person's life mean nothing more to a family member than knick-knacks and jewelry? Fuck. Fuck!!! I talked to with sister tonight. Her best friend's mother died today. A month and two days ago she was diagnosed with cancer, and she's already dead. How quickly things can change...How quickly the rug can be pulled right out from under us... There's a lot of heavy shit going on right now. It's like there's this dark cloud in the sky that clears for only short intervals. For the moment, I'm just trying to let some of the good peak through, if not to just blur some of the darkness for awhile. The CD project for the band is going great. It's looking better than I could have hoped. That's a huge, needed positive right now. On Saturday, I'm going to Chicago to see a Rembrandt show at the Art Institute with some local artists. I need to get away in the worst way. Art always helps. Art is good. Life isn't all bad, just some days. Some days are better than others. That's all for now. Wednesday's Playlist 1. Prince - Musicology 2. Clay Aiken - Measure Of A Man 3. Kelly Clarkson - Thankful 4. Stevie Wonder - At The Close Of The Century 5. R.E.M. - Monster 6. R.E.M. - Automatic For The People |
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Case in point #1: American Idol. This show has gotten under my skin in a big way since it came out. Every few years, I have a new crop of favorite shows that I focus on. Many times, I'm secretly ashamed that I allow myself to watch them, much less get into them the way that I do. The past few years, American Idol has gotten lead billing. I'm a smart guy; I know that the show is a calculated marketing scheme. I feel like such a schmuck for the pleasure I get from it. But right now, I think it's the greatest show! I've fallen right into their grubby hands and bought many of the products that they've not-so-subtlely promoted. I've become their American Idiot. I have CDs by Kelly Clarkson, Clay Aiken, and even a Christmas CD by the ensemble. But it gets worse. I just got off of the phone with my mom. Clay's going to be performing at our local T-Rattlers Stadium. Mom actually wants to got a concert and wondered if I'd go with her. It didn't take much for her to twist my arm. Tickets go on sale next week. Part of me feels pathetic, going to a concert with my mom. The audience will probably be full of middle-aged housewives and teeny-boppers all screaming at the top of their lungs. I'll be so out of place. I'm the guy who likes U2, R.E.M., and the Beatles. But I can't deny how much I enjoy Clay's music. Like I said, I've fallen right into their hands. Whaddup dawg?!? Case in point #2: 24. Again, another show that's been around for three seasons. Each year it gets better. I find myself wondering how they can top the year before, but somehow they always still manage to blow me away. This is one of those shows that almost all of my friends watch. It's great fun having a TV series in common with friends, a show to talk about. This season is getting so intense, I can actually feel my heart rate increase watching the show. 24 makes my mind go off in claustrophobic places it's never been before. I find myself daydreaming about possible plot twists and turns and how the hell they're going to end the season. I love good, creative TV that gives me a rush. *Tick* Case in point #3: Prince - Musicology. I've been a Prince fan my entire life. I have well over 30 CDs by the guy, a handful of singles, hard-to-find imports, and bootlegs. The dude plays all of his instruments and usually does all of the vocals too. He somehow is able to fuse together sensuality with spirituality and remain one of the funkiest mofos around. He's a musical genius in my eyes. Over the past few years, he's been stuck in contractual battles and it's affected his work. But today, his new release, Musicology, came out. I haven't been this excited by a Prince disc in a long time. After listening to it as I write this entry, it reminds of old-school Prince, of Sign O The Times. He's back! I'm sure the concert tickets sitting on my desk, starring me in the face are only adding to this new wave of excitement. Welcome 2 the dawn. Imagine if I actually get Clay Aiken tickets. Within the course of two weeks I'll have seen him and Prince. The best in adult contemporary one week, the best in adults-only the other! I'm at a point in my relationship with music though, 800+ CDs and growing, that I'm beyond making excuses for what I listen to. If I'm the reigning American Idiot for the music that I listen to, so be it. God, do I love music. After a pretty heavy post last night, this music and these TV shows are what's on my mind tonight. What are you watching? Who are you listening to? That's all for now. :) Tuesday's Playlist 1. Sarah McLachlan - Live Acoustic EP 2. Sheryl Crow - Sessions @ AOL EP 3. Tori Amos - Tales Of A Librarian 4. 'Nsync - Celebrity 5. JC Chasez - Schizophrenic 6. Prince - Musicology |
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Those days away from home felt shallow and isolated. My company was holding a pilot class for one of the main courses we develop. These pilots can get quite testy; egos are usually flaring, individual politics and agendas get in the way of any real progress. After the class, my coworkers and I would have to entertain the other people from around the country who attended the class. I put on a nice front, a happy face. I just wanted to go home. Each night I'd get back to my hotel room, happy to take off the mask of the loyal employee. I sat and watched the footage of the firemen search through the rubble of that building in Oklahoma City. The search seemed so hopeless. Every few hours, they'd find another body, usually another causality. Slowly it was turning into a hopeless search as time was getting in the way. I still lived with my parents at the time. I remember how happy I was when I finally got home. I just wanted to see some familiar faces and share the grief of this horrible day. I clearly remember finally coming home that Sunday afternoon, though, to an empty house with a bleeding heart. That day seemed like the real end of innocence for me. I'd been home from college for just over a year. I'd gotten used to working for a living in a "real job." I'd finally adapted to no longer being a college student. I was actually feeling like an adult for the first time in my life. But I remember seeing this bombing and its causalities play out on CNN as I was stuck away from home in a stupid Holiday Inn. I'd never witnessed such a tragedy, such a travesty of human lives, all through the eyes of an adult. During those days, I just wanted to be a kid again. I wanted my mom and dad to tell me that everything was going to be alright. That spring is all a bit fuzzy for me. Around that time, my family found out that my cousin Michael had a hole in his heart. He would have to have open heart surgery in the middle of June. During that surgery on June 15, 1995, the one that the doctors gave a 90 percent success rate, Michael died. He was 15 months old. Life has never seemed quite as friendly since that day. I remember finding out that Michael needed his surgery right around the same time of the Oklahoma City bombing. Something inside of me knew that Michael wouldn't survive. The wreckage and the pain of the bombing of that city were a precursor to what June of 95 was going to present to my family. I drew a picture of a peace sign with the word "PLEASE!" scribbled underneath. It was all almost too much for a heart to bear. I suppose there's a time in every person's life where childhood comes to a halt; where the harsh realities of life slap us in the face. For me, it started with the Oklahoma City bombing. It continued with a much more personal tragedy a few months later. I never finished the sketch above. The subject matter was too real, too raw, to every really give it the kind of attention my drawings demand. What's also worth noting is that this was the only sketch was done between July of '95 and February of '97, although I don't know the official date of it. Yeah, the beginning of my drought. From June to July of '95, there were a couple of sketches about Michael's death, but that was it. Something inside of me died during those months. The art inside of me died. There were three or four sketches done in '97, and then the drought continues through February of 2003. I guess sometimes it takes that long for the heart to heal. I didn't mean for tonight's post to be so down and out. I guess it's funny how certain unrelated instances can forever be etched in our minds as one. Tonight, if you could, say a prayer for the 161 lives that perished that on that horrible day nine years ago. And perhaps, if you have any prayers left, say one for the life that was taken away from my family later that summer. As I write this, the song "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan is playing (it just came up on random)...Some of these lyrics seem hauntingly fitting tonight. That's all for tonight. Spend all your
time waiting In the arms of
the angel So tired of the
straight line In the arms of
the angel Monday's Playlist 1. Frank Sinatra - Gold 2. Allison Kraus - Now That I've Found You 3. Norah Jones - Feels Like Home 4. R.E.M. - In Time: The Best of R.E.M. |
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Our model, Marciella, is one of the most beautiful models I've drawn yet. Her features are fine and delicate. I approached my paper the same way. When I got to class, I was in a bad mood, stressed out by the week. It was a treat to draw such a beautiful woman in such a refined manner. Each pencil stroke was done with caution, almost becoming a mantra of sorts. It gave me something else to concentrate on instead of life which had been feeling crazy up until that point. The entire session felt like an exercise in refinement, almost a relaxation technique. When I got done with drawing, I knew that all the stuff that's been weighing me down this week, Grandma's condition in the home, the increasing work load at my job, the bills that seem to be piling up lately, the CD project for the band, and the lack of sleep I've had, were all still there. But I felt refocused and knew that I'd be able to handle them better. I just needed a pause from the velocity of the week. Lately, it seems like my art class has become my reset button. If a week is going particularly bad, I always have Thursday nights to look forward to. It's like when my computer is acting up or running slower than usual. A restart clears things up. There are times when I approach my drawings quite aggressively and relieve my stress that way. There are other times when a drawing becomes a complete escapism from the world around me. And then there are times like last night, when the velocity of Gary has gotten out of control, and my art is simply there to help me calm down, take a step back, reboot, proceed, and remain a happy Mac. Friday's Playlist 1. Elvis - 30 #1 Hits 2. Howard Shore - The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King |
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I wondered when we got tickets to this lecture, if Nancy would do any voices. I wondered if she only did her impressions in the studio and tried to separate herself from her characters. But not only did she do the voices, she wholly embraced them and did them throughout the entire lecture, telling stories about each character. In her Ralph voice, she said one of my favorite Simpsons lines, "My cat's breath smells like cat food." She told a few "inside" stories, one about Liz Taylor doing a cameo, and the entourage this crazy woman demanded. I'm a sucker for some good Hollywood gossip about some bitchy Hollywood "legend." She also shared stories about working with Michael Jackson and Meril Streep. Since she does multiple voices on the show, she also reenacted a few scenes with two or three character voices at the same time. The Q & A section of the show made me realize how much I knew about the show; what a Simpsons geek I really am! Nancy ended the lecture handing out Butterfinger candy bars to the audience. Very nice touch. After the lecture, she signed books. I was able to chat with her for a few quick moments. She recognized right away that I was a fan from the beginning, back from the days of The Tracy Ullman Show. That made my night. The lecture was impressive, very enjoyable, and quite awesome. Cool man! As I said, I've been a fan of The Simpsons since 1989. It's probably my favorite TV show of all time. So many friends of mine are Simpsons fans too, always quoting the show, talking about this episode or that. I remember when The Simpsons first aired, thinking how crude the animation was and how vulgar some of the language and content was. It's amazing how much things have changed, how innocent the show seems now. The Simpsons were the catalyst for so much other animation to come, Bevis and Butthead, Ren and Stimpy, The Critic, Dr. Katz, South Park, and Family Guy, just to name a few. I don't know anybody my age who went to college and didn't watch Bevis and Butthead. I'm amazed at how much shows like South Park or The Simpsons have entered the consciousness of our culture and reflect it as well. I love irreverent and innovative animation. I love to laugh. I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?
I've known Mark, Jamie, and Steph for 10 years, and John and Lisa for around seven or eight. It's so great having a group of friends from work, a group of old friends, who have been through so much with me. We've not only seen a decade's worth of changes at the company, but, more importantly, a decade's worth of changes in each other's lives. I knew both Jamie and Steph and John and Lisa shortly after they each got married. I've seen them go from being young married couples to new parents to moms and dads of two kids each. It's great watching their lives change and grow through time and not feeling excluded in them. After a rough couple of weeks, it was great last night being with such good friends. The dinner, of course, was great as usual. So with that, the Spring/Summer birthday season has officially begun. Happy belated birthday John!!! Tonight, I just wanted to record a really cool time I had last night with friends and an awesome experience that one doesn't get everyday. Don't have a cow, man. |
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Over time, Easter has taken on two meanings. The true meaning of Easter, of course, is the resurrection of Christ. But for non-Christians, it's about the celebration of Spring and renewed life. To me, both meanings were stronger than ever before.
The celebration of Spring and renewed life took on a few forms, especially where my family was concerned. Talking to my dad, seeing him improving a little bit each day, and finding out that he was going back to work today after being off for weeks seemed to hold a promise and a renewed outlook. And not just for Dad. As a family, we got through this. Everything's going to be alright. Then, of course, there are my nephews. Seeing them yesterday, full of life and excitement clinched what the other part of the day was truly about. Derick, who just turned four at Christmas, was riding his two-wheeler around the yard without training wheels. He's growing up so fast. We watched some video that I shot of the boys on Easter last year; it's amazing to see how much they've grow. Through them, I see the passage of time, the passage of life. For me, they hold the promise of tomorrow. After a few really dark weeks, yesterday really had one meaning. It was about promise. The promise of the future. I felt extremely quiet yesterday, perhaps a bit overwhelmed. I felt a simple sense of rejuvenation, and even a sense of being cleansed of much of the darkness that's been plaguing me and my family these past few weeks. I hope all of you reading this had a blessed Easter as well. That's all for now. Monday's Playlist 1. Various songs by U2 on random on Brandon's iPod. 2. The Beatles - 1 3. Coldplay Live 2003 4. Rufus Wainwright - Poses |
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After getting home early from work, I chatted with my friend Heather about what's been going on in my life. It's amazing the difference a willing ear can make in one's life. Thanks for the support Heather!! I went to art class with the notion that I needed to do it. I needed to escape the darkness that's been clouding my life. At class, Chang, one of my favorite models, posed for us. Right from the beginning, things were going great. There was an energy in the room, an intensity with things, a magic. I felt guided with my art....through my art...if that makes any sense. I had a sense of peace. A sense that everything's going to be alright. A sense that somebody or something was going to take care of me and my family. I felt an inner strength swell from within me which was guided from a much stronger external force. It was a nice, comforting feeling. I felt like I was being embraced with warmth and love. I was feeling all this, by the way, while I started drawing Chang with a light blue, a dark blue, and an orange colored pencil from my $1.99 set. Around 8:00, on our first break, I called over by Mom and Dad's to see how things were going. I was preparing myself for crushing news, running every possibility in my head. Dad answered the phone. He sounded different; he sounded happy. It was the first phone call in my life that my dad and I actually talked, where I didn't have to lead the conversation, ask all the questions. Dad had much good news to share. First of all, things with Grandma are quite well. In Dad's words, it was unbelievable. Grandma was a new woman from that of the past few weeks. They took her into the hospital yesterday morning, getting her ready for the home. The doctors ran an IV; she was so weak and dehydrated. Within a few hours, she was herself again. It's pretty obvious that she wasn't eating or drinking anything, extremely run down and weak. Once they have her the IV, she got her energy back, and was able to do the things she was doing a few weeks ago. Granted, she's 91, so she still needs help, but now she can actually sit up by herself, eat, and at least maneuver around. I asked Dad how thing were with putting her in the home. He said it was actually really good. Through the past few weeks, I get the impression that Grandma's had a wake up call too and knows it was time she got some professional help. She's finding comfort knowing she'll have help 24/7 if she needs it, and companionship all the time if she needs it too. When they put Grandpa in the home all those years ago, it was a kicking and screaming match the entire time. This time around, the family finally got a little solace and a positive affirmation that they were doing the right thing. When Dad stopped in later last night to drop off some of her furniture, he said Grandma was sitting up, eating some dinner with my aunts. From the tone in his voice, that simple act of just seeing her eat her with daughters, was a comforting thing for him to see. Obviously this will rear its ugly head again, like I said, she's 91, but for now, Grandma's doing really well. Dad commented the night before that he wouldn't doubt if she'd die in her sleep overnight. Last night, he told me Grandma's going to be around for awhile yet. He couldn't believe the positive change. Getting that good news seems to make the sun a little bit warmer today. Dad had a second piece of great news to share. He had an appointment with his doctor yesterday to checkup how his diabetes was doing. Much like Dad couldn't believe the change with Grandma, the doctor couldn't believe the change in Dad. His blood sugar level, which should be between 80 and 120, is already in the low 80s. The doctor said Dad is doing extremely well. He has a strong feeling that when Dad comes in for his next checkup in July, that he may take him off his medication all together or cut the dosage down. If things keep going like they are, he'll only have to check his blood once a day. The diabetes is under control. It's amazing what happens when the ol' man stop drinking six cans of Mountain Dew a day. At the moment, Dad still has the pain in his feet. The doctor can't guarantee when that's going to go away, if ever, but with how everything else is going, things are looking up. I have a feeling that with this positive news, it will help Dad push on, keep his diet and exercise in check, and get things back on the right track. I could tell that my father's spirits had been lifted. I can't even describe how that warms my heart. It was an intense call during my little 10-minute break as I roamed the halls of the fourth floor of the art building on my cell phone. I got back to class, feeling like a ton of bricks had been lifted off of my shoulders. The guidance that I'd been feeling with my art was all around me, taking care of and embracing my family as well. What a powerful thing. The rest of the class was an intense experience. I'm quite proud of my drawing of Chang. The shadows were quite dark, but I somehow manage to keep a light, airiness to the piece. When I look at this drawing, I will always think of the good news I was served. Sometimes, life actually works out. Sometimes, the light will conquer the dark. Yesterday, for me, the light kicked some serious ass. I think I'm going to end this here today. I have more to share about margarita night and the rest of a really good day, but that will have to be in another post. Today is too beautiful to be sitting in front of this computer screen. It's a beautiful Spring day, and I have much planned. For the moment, at least, everything's gonna be alright. It's a beautiful day. :) Blogging to: Madonna Drowned World Tour 2001 |
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Step
Out Of The Shadows Thursday's Playlist 1. U2 - All That You Can't Leave Behind 2. The Matrix Reloaded Soundtrack, disc 1 |
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Tomorrow they're moving her into the old folks home. My dad actually hopes she passes away in her sleep. That sounds like a terrible thing to wish upon your mother, but he knows that moving her out of her house and away from everything she once knew, will be the final straw. It's pretty apparent to us all that it's only a matter of time. It wouldn't surprise any of us if we got the call at any moment; she's declining that quickly. Despite this crushing news, today did seem a little better than yesterday. I think for me, for the past couple of nights, I really just needed to vent, cope with the truth, and start dealing with and accepting the reality of what's going to happen. The last couple of nights had to be some of my darkest, most desperate posts to date. But that's how I express how I feel. I have to do it that way. It's the only way I know how. Last night, after writing a pretty draining post, I actually felt better. It's almost like I had to purge my feelings...put them on the page, see them, accept them. When I turn to my art or my writing, I usually somehow find the strength to continue. It's as if I need to exorcise the demons from my heart and mind before I can go on. It's kind of the same feeling after bawling your eyes out. The same feeling after the rain falls... Yesterday was a bad day. I felt weak and hopeless. But today, with nothing really changing, with the situation with Grandma actually getting worse, I somehow felt stronger...more capable to cope. Perhaps I'm coming to terms with the inevitable. That's all for tonight. Thanks for listening. Wednesday's Playlist 1. Elton John - Greatest Hits 1970 - 2002 2. Music From The Motion Picture Moulin Rouge 3. J.C. Chasez - Schizophrenic |
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My sister called me last night. Her best friend's mother has been diagnosed with cancer and has two months to live. Even though I barely know my sister's friend, this is really hard news to take. I stopped over at my parents again tonight. They spent a good part of last night with Grandma. In the course of the past week, Grandma has absolutely no energy left. She needs help sitting up, going to the bathroom, and is winded just by attempting to stand up. Last night, Mom sat with Grandma and went through a couple photo albums of the past. It sounds like she was saying goodbye. Talking to my family today, none of us got a good night's sleep last night. My sister, the chronic worrier, is on her wits end between her friend, Dad's diabetes, and now Grandma. Dad's beat, still trying to get his life back on track, still dealing with severe pain in his feet. I'm exhausted, simply trying to put up a good front as the strong, responsible, oldest son. There's a general feeling of being on pins and needles right now. There's a quiet sadness creeping into the faces of the people I love. To my amazement, my mom seems to be the strongest one of all right now. I'm trying to stay positive through all of this. Yes, Grandma's sick and weak. That doesn't mean she's on her death bed. Perhaps when she can get the proper help care she needs....I don't know. Who am I kidding? It's always been my experience, though, that once somebody enters an old folks home, their time there is short. I think Grandpa lasted less than a month. The past few weeks have just been difficult. There's so much sadness around me right now. Part of me feels like I'm drowning while the other part of me is just trying to save face. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Who's to say where the wind will take us? Gray ships pass into the west. Goodbye yellow brick road..... Tuesday's Playlist 1. The Million Dollar Hotel Original Motion Picture Soundtrack 2. Janet Jackson - Damita Jo 3. Elton John - Greatest Hits 1970 - 2002 |
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Grandma Meulemans turned 91 this past January. She still lives at home but virtually needs somebody to do everything for her. She barely eats and sleeps almost all of the time. I guess last night, she fell out of bed trying to get out and remained on the floor until she could muster up the strength to reach her medic alert bracelet. Last week, the family discussed putting her into a home. It's been something they'd been avoiding for the past few years since her health really started to decline. The past few weeks, though, they've accepted the truth of the situation and decided it was time to do something. They can no longer provide the care that she needs. They're going to put my grandma in a home. Well, now the family is on the fast track to getting her help. They're talking to lawyers to see what money has to go where. Grandma has to meet with a doctor tomorrow to see specifically what kind of care she'll need. I know that I should be happy that she's lived to see 91, but the rapid decline of her health, especially after Grandpa died almost 10 years ago, is heart-wrenching. First they had to take her license away, then they had to start bringing all of her meals over, and just recently, her bingo and card nights have stopped. She spends all day in bed, has no control over her bladder, and can no longer be left alone. It's all too sad. In my heart, I feel like I did when I was a kid, during the last days of summer where the nights are getting shorter and I knew school was right around the corner. I can sense in my bones that Grandma's time here is quickly coming to an end. I have a feeling she won't even make it to the home. I've never been close to that side of the family. The years have only widened the gap. Other than Grandma, I only see them on Christmas, if lucky. Once Grandma's gone, I know I'll lose touch with that part of my family completely. It's been slowly happening over the past decade. Part of my family tree is dying, and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't forge relationships that never were. I can't bring the few good memories of the past back. I certainly can't mend all of the wounds that kept that side of the family so distant. I can't heal the past, nor can I heal the family tree. I feel bad for my dad right now, dealing with all of this. He's just beginning to adjust to taking care of himself. Life has an odd way of mirroring itself sometimes. I see my sister and I taking care of Dad with his diabetes, while he and his siblings are taking care of their mother. I always joke with people that I'm slowly turning into my old man, whether I like it or not. I never thought about the unpleasant responsibilities that would be passed on as well. When Mom talked to one of my aunts today about all of this, she told them what Dad's been going through, that he has Type 2 diabetes. Apparently, Grandpa had diabetes too, later on in his life. Only a few of my aunts knew about it. How can a family go on, not sharing something like that, not knowing something like that about their father? It boggles my mind and chills me to the bone. I ran extra long and hard tonight, knowing that the disease that plagued my Grandpa Meulemans, which crept up in my dad, will probably come my way someday as well. A lot of heavy thoughts tonight. Three generations. All of our mortalities. That's all of now. Heavy sigh. Monday's Playlist 1. The Matrix Revolutions Original Motion Picture Soundtrack 2. The Beatles - 1 3. I Am Sam Original Motion Picture Soundtrack 4. Janet Jackson - janet.remixed |
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With
A Little Help From My Friends Friday night, I ended up chilling out with my friend Splash. It was a mellow night that somehow ended with us seeing the movie Hellboy. I'm a huge fan of comic book movies, but knew nothing about this character. I actually enjoyed the movie because in my mind, it had nothing to live up to. It was one of those enjoyable popcorn movies where I'm able to turn my brain off for awhile and be wowed by some cool special effects and shit blowing up. After seeing Lord of the Rings five or six times since it came out, and then The Passion of the Christ, it was a nice change of pace to sit through something that didn't have the heavy weight of an epic.
The conversations in The Dorm Room, of course, are a tad different now than those we all had in college. These days, they seem to be revolving around marriage, family, jobs, and bachelor parties. Dirk is getting married to his fiancee Julie in September. Last night, he asked me to be an usher in his wedding. This will be the third wedding I'll be standing up in this year. It's going to be a fun summer. Dirk and Julie's wedding will be a blast. The more weddings I stand up in this year, the further back a new computer purchase will have to be. I'm spending more time every day working on this website; a faster computer would be so helpful right now. But in the end, aren't weddings and good times with friends what really matter in life? What good would this website be, if I didn't have all of these experiences with the people I care about? Without these experiences, there'd be nothing to write about, nothing to draw, nothing to share with friends. It's easy to let life slip though the cracks if priorities aren't set. But I digress... Around 11:30 last night, after the three of us had a few cocktails, we decided to go to the newest hotspot in downtown Green Bay, St. Patrick's Irish Pub. We met Julie, who is a copy editor for the Green Bay Press Gazette and always works until around midnight, and a few of her coworkers for a few more drinks. Between a few Creamy Darks in The Dorm Room and a few Guinesses at St. Patrick's, I was feeling pretty good. The bartenders kicked us out at closing time, we made a pit stop at Taco Bell, and I crashed on Splash's couch with no intentions of driving home. It was good to kick back and relax with really good friends. Last night was a blast. Up until 8:00 last night, I had no plans nor did I want any. It's great how life sometimes just happens, how the good times are almost always unintentional. I feel lucky to have such good friends. That's all for now. |
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I've drawn Betty once before. I remember having the same great experience. To see her, she's just a tiny little old lady, around 75 years old, probably weighing just as much. The years have not been kind to her. They've shrunk her body and are etched on her face. The color in her eyes, in her hair, and on her face have been washed away by Father Time. Despite the lack of color left on her physically, her life was just the opposite. She shared stories with us the entire time she posed. This can get real annoying at times with some models. It's as if they have a nervous energy they're somehow trying to dispose of. But not Betty. I could listen to her talk for days. She had a quiet sadness to her but a quiet strength as well. Despite how small and frail she appeared, I could tell this woman has endured much in this life, good and bad. Betty grew up as a Native American whose mother taught her children to be shameful of their heritage. She had a husband who was a published poet who could never quite deal with his fame. It's as if Betty spent her childhood years trying to come to terms with who she was, and then when married, cast that all aside for a husband's frail ego. Betty had many good times in her life a well. As a mother of four, she considered this to be her greatest accomplishment. She was involved with a large university in Canada during it's early years. She spent much time with many famous photographers. She still has ties with the college system as she teaches current affairs at the multi-cultural center at our local university. Betty is an avid rider of the bus. She believes that this is how people used to meet and interact but is afraid that in many metro areas (around here at least), the bus system is slowly disappearing. Betty has one friend on the bus who has little money. Her clothes are tattered and filthy, can't afford to wear socks, and has holes in her sneakers that are dirty and way too worn. Betty's going to use the money she got from posing for us to buy her friend a new pair of shoes. Knowing that, inadvertently, the art my class created will buy somebody a new pair of shoes, thanks to this amazing woman, broke my heart and made it sing. Listening to Betty talk made me wonder what kind of stories I'll tell people forty years from now. What will I have to say? Will my stories have any meaning or color to them? Will they just be discarded as some damn fools incoherent insignificant tales of yesteryear, of days gone by? It's very rare these days to run across truly interesting people who have something truly interesting to say. It's hard to find people who seem honestly pure and good at heart, like the colorful woman I drew Thursday night. I remember almost feeling honored to meet this incredible woman the last time I drew her. The feeling only magnified this time. It was a great experience drawing Betty. That's all for now. |
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The posts came slowly at first. But by the end of May, I realized that I was really in this for the long hall. I remember wracking my brains, figuring out the best way to archive this stuff. Tucking away the pages of April and May was a hard thing to do as I started the new page for June. It was a big deal to me which was usually the catalyst to numerous, although subtle, design changes to these pages. The middle of June saw my first post with photographs instead of drawings. Again, I felt like I was breaking the rules. Rules I made myself. It's funny though, each time I allowed myself to break those rules was a major stepping stone for what this site has become and where it's going. By mid-July, I started adding titles to each of my posts. I eventually went back into my archives and added them to the rest. By the end of July, I started adding a time stamp to each post as well, so I know what time of day the post was written. These two minor changes really changed my approach to each daily entry. It changed what I thought of my writing. It actually lead to me consider myself a writer for the first time in my life. That was an awesome realization. Initially, I was just using my server space provided with my cable internet account and a hard to remember "home.new.rr.com/gmanink" address. By early September, though, I outgrew that space, blogging more frequently and adding more and more photographs to the photography section. I bought some real web space which also led to the purchase of the domain name "g-manink.com." Once I purchased the web space and domain name, I suddenly had the first opportunity to see how many people were reading this and how they got to it. Website statistics add an interesting element to keeping up a daily site. It's easy to let the numbers distract me. It's easy for them to make me forget my intentions for doing this. A few days into September, I also added my daily playlists for all of the albums I listen to each day. I loved the idea of sharing yet another aspect of my life with the people out there reading this, letting them see what music's playing in my car or home stereo, iPod or computer. Early October saw the inclusion of a discussion board to this site. It was my way to get comments from the readers out there since I don't use traditional blogging software to generate my site. Hopefully someday those kind of comments will find their way to these pages. Comments added a huge new element to this site for me. Suddenly, not only were people reading my thoughts, I was reading theirs as well, getting inspired by them. There have been times when the discussion board feeds on itself. I write something, people comment on it, and that inspires my mind to go off in directions I hadn't considered. This has been the most profound aspect of the site for me thus far. In the middle of January, right in time for the new year, I added the webcam feature. This is by far the boldest thing I've done with this site. It just seems to add another level to me sharing my life with the readers of this site. It's such an amazing concept to me as an artist and a computer geek! Throughout the past year, there have been many changes to this site, big and small. All of the above mentioned elements were huge changes to these pages, all things I spent much time contemplating, realizing they could add to the depth and richness of this all. There have been many design changes that have been quite evolutionary rather than revolutionary that just somehow slowly happened, usually out of some new necessity by the growing size of this site. I can't help be a bit nostalgic about the all of this. I've stuck with it. A year of journaling that doesn't seem to be slowing down. At all. The frequency and length of my posts, as well as my need to write and express myself is growing. The urgency to expressing myself is overflowing. I feel like I've recaptured a part of myself, added to a part of myself, and have become a slightly different, better person because of it. I'm putting it all out there for consumption, fulfilling a personal dream as an artist to share my thoughts and dreams with the world. What an amazing thing for me at 32. What a fucking amazing thing. I wonder what the next 365 days will bring? What new pages will find their way to this site? How will the look and design evolve? Where will my journey take me? How will my intentions change? It's been an amazingly fulfilling ride that's truly changed my life. I thank you all for your support. That's all for now. I'm going to be late for my art class. Thursday's Playlist 1. Norah Jones - Feels Like Home 2. George Michael And Queen - Five Live 3. Paul McCartney - Flaming Pie 4. Janet Jackson - Damita Jo P.S. Be sure to check out the March archives. When one door opens.... |
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If you any questions, comments, or requests, you can contact me at: |
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Caged
Bird
The photo on the right is
a view I'm becoming quite accustomed to. This is the view of
my workstation at my job. It's something I see everyday. All
day long. I've been seeing much more of it these days, as
I'm spending much extra time at this computer working on the
CD project for my friends' band. Lately, I even see this view
in my sleep.
Riding
The Crest / Special
The
Artist At Work
The
show yesterday was better than I could have imagined. I've always
known of Rembrandt's work as 
I
spent the majority of my day with my friends Mara and Don, a
guy who used to come to the Thursday night classes. The three
of us took a break for lunch at a small coffee shop on Michigan
Avenue. We enjoyed the beauty of spring which really hasn't found
its way to our neck of the northern woods yet. We chatted about
art and life, which, when with my art friends, are one in the
same. I don't know how many times I can say that sometimes it's
so great to hang out with other artists. I had a blast with my
new friends, who were also riding a wave of artistic euphoria.
By the end of the day, we were like little kids, talking a mile
a minute, all deeply inspired. They truly helped make the day.
This summer, my parents
are going to be married 34 years. My sister really wants to throw
them a party. She went to her best friend's mom's funeral tonight.
Between everything that's been going on with Dad and Grandma,
and now this quick passing of her friend's mother, I can tell
my sister is really taking some stock in things. Even though
we usually go all out on the five year marks, 25, 30, 35, etc.,
she thinks now would be a good time to throw them a party.
Some
Days Are Better Than Others
Ladies And Gentlemen,
Your Next American Idiot
Pulled
From The Wreckage (Innocence)
The
Velocity of Gary
Aye Kuramba!
Before
the lecture, my friends and I went to our favorite Mexican restaurant,
Zacetecas, which has somehow become our restaurant.
We celebrated my friend John's birthday. Pictured from left to
right are my friends Mark, Stephanie, Jamie, Lisa, and John (the
shadow of my head is above Lisa!). I work with Mark, Jamie, and
John everyday. Mark is our systems guy, Jamie is a senior technical
writer who I collaborate with on all of our online training,
and John is our senior designer and animator (John and I kind
of co-run the graphics part of our department).
Brand
New Day
The
celebration of the resurrection felt like such a personal thing
for me. He died for me, did this for me.
It gave me a quiet peace, a quiet happiness, a quiet connection
with God and the heavens, a connection I've never really felt
before. That's the only way I can explain it. When I woke up
yesterday, I said a few simple prayers...a few simple thank
yous really, and that was my celebration. There were no other
genuine ways for me to celebrate that part of the day. There
didn't have to be.
Beautiful
Day
Today feels like the first
day of Spring for me. At the moment, my spirits are pretty good
and I'm excited for a long weekend, a truncated Spring Break,
if you will. My company gives us Good Friday off each year as
a holiday, and actually closed the office down at 3:30 this afternoon,
still paying us for a full day. I've got art class tonight, hopefully
a late night of margaritas afterward, a Matrix trilogy
marathon planned for tomorrow, and dinner plans with friends
on Saturday night. I have many errands to run and Easter gifts
to buy my nephews yet too. These three-day weekends are nice
but seem to fill up too fast. No news from my parents today,
so I'll take that as good news. For now, at least, I'm going
to try to enjoy myself and take a step out of the shadows if
not just for the moment. The sad, rough times are going to be
there, but right now, I'm going to be a bit selfish and try not
to ponder on the darkness that life is currently serving up.
That's all for now.
Partly
Cloudy With A Chance Of Showers
Put
On A Happy Face
April's
Autumn
Yesterday I lounged around
the house all day and planned to do the same last night. A little
before 8:00, Splash invited me over. He and my friend Dirk had
planned on watching a basketball game then renting a movie. I'm
not much for watching sports, but I figured it would be fun to
just hang out. In the end, they barely watched the game and the
three of us ended up in "The Dorm Room" which is quickly
becoming the thing to do when hanging out with Splash
and Dirk.
The
Dorm Room is what we call Splash's spare bedroom. This is where
his computer is set up. We always end up in that room, drinking
beer, listening to music, surfing the web, and talking shit.
The way the room is set up, it reminds us all exactly of a dorm
room. For me, it's actually deja vu of a room I always used to
hang out in back in the spring of '91 (where the nickname "G"
was actually born). All that's missing is a Nintendo 64, Tetris,
and some early 90s dance-rap. It's funny; now that Splash finally
has his own place, we spend all of our time over there in that
one little spare bedroom, just like we're back in college.
The
Woman Of Many Colors
Document
#2